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17 December 2003 @ 04:11 pm
 
> *hugs* Sweetie, what you do share with me for things
> like Christmas is very
> special and very appreciated.

No, because I have *nothing* to give you now. Nothing to share. Do you understand this at all? I HAVE NO GIFTS FOR YOU. Just bringing myself doesn't count for much, and certainly doesn't qualify as a Christmas present. You took away my ability to give you anything at all when you didn't get the measurements. I have nothing to give you. This is a big deal, pay attention and don't dismiss it. If I have nothing to give you, then I should receive nothing. I should not come to Boston either, because I have nothing to contribute. NOTHING. Get it? A card is not a Christmas present. Yes, I am very upset about this because now I can't do anything about it. You didn't pay attention that this was important to me. I *did* mention it 2 or 3 times, but you just didn't get it. Yanno, if I have to make a big deal out of every thing that is important, then it's just broken and stupid and not worth the effort. I don't want to have to make a big deal out of things - all it does is make me upset and remind me that people don't pay attention. That the things which are important to me aren't important to anyone else. Why should I even bother if I have to fight so hard for things that should be simple? I know I shouldn't really care about this at all, but you bringing it up again after I had managed to stuff it away in a box it because there's nothing I could do just made it hurt again. Because it shows me again that I have nothing to give, that I'm insufficient.

> We can and will share
> things when we see each
> other in January.

No we won't, because I have *nothing to give*.

> And it is true that some of it with me may be that
> way; there are
> disappointments from time to time and we are both
> human. But I know that I
> do things right as well, and they mean a lot to the
> both of us. Sometimes
> things do work out very well. :-)

Yes, of course you do things right too. And I do try to thank you for those things every time. But from my end some things, important things, only seem to work out after something has been made into a big deal. You don't understand the things I say or how I say them, or I just don't say them the right way. Or I'm not demanding enough or blunt enough or whatever. I don't understand what the problem is, other then perhaps I'm too subtle. I do want you to understand what I think or feel or the things that are important to me, but having to make a big deal of things and get upset and stamp my feet every time is not the way I want to live my life. And I will *never* be in the position to tell you to go do something right this minute, as you told me Alex does with you.

>
> As for January and March/April and May-June, that is
> something that we do
> together, not simply you do for me, or I do for you.
> We make it work
> together.

But it's still something you want(ed), as opposed to getting measurements which were only important to me. Maybe I should have just told you exactly why I wanted them and exactly what I was going to do, instead of trying to surprise you with a gift which I may or may not have gotten done completely.. Would that have worked better?

>
> > Sometimes I think that this just isn't fair to
> anyone, and it would be
> better to just drop it all.
> > No expectations and no hurt that way.
>
> *nod* There will be hurt and there will be joy. That
> is a part of
> expectations, and a part of life.

There's a limit on how much hurt people can accept. How much they can be told or shown that they things they think are important really aren't. When the hurt and frustration outweigh the joy, then it's not worth it.

> I know you don't
> mean to hurt me,
> sometimes communications just go bad. And I do not
> mean to hurt you.

No, we don't mean to hurt each other. But I have to protect myself, because no one else is ever going to worry about that but me. I am the only protection I have in the end, I am the only person I can count on. It's only me, by myself.

> But
> expectation can also be special. And very precious,
> and very intimate. There
> are things we can count on.

I cannot count on things. I cannot expect things. I hope we get to see each other, but I cannot count on it. Too many things have blown up lately (and over the past year, frankly) and I have been spanked too many times to have that luxury anymore. My new rule really is by my hand or in my hand. I guess it made me unreasonably upset when I couldn't even do something for you with my own hands. Kinda makes a lie of my rule.

--- C******* wrote:
> > So, I wrote this huge reply, but it doesn't really
> > matter. You just don't get it, do you?
>
> *nod* Guess not.

Okies, that's clear enough. It's unfortunate that you do not or cannot understand when or why things are important to me without me having to make a big point or a spectacle or something. Probably means that I'm saying and doing everything the wrong way anyway.

I'll make it easy then - I have nothing to give, I will expect nothing, and nothing I say or think or ask for is important.

Tada! All fixed now.

Of course, the same things apply to you as well.

It does serve to make things much more casual. No stress, no pressure, no committment, no expectations. Not the kind of relationship I want, but it will be easier at least.
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