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01 January 2004 @ 03:34 pm
New year, new attitude, new rules  
I’ve spent the requisite year alone. I need to do things for me, things that make me happy or bring me joy. Things that I need, that I want. Situations where an effort is made for me instead of mostly by me.

I want to have my needs met. I need to not have to worry about making every one else comfortable or happy or putting their considerations first and mine last or have to worry about making sure that I fit into their schedules. I need to be more than something that happens when it’s convenient. I need people to think of me and sometimes make me be a priority. I need to stop the behavior patterns of pleasing people and doing what is easiest for me.

Lately one of my friends has shown me that I *am * worth an inconvenience, some attention, an extra effort. That I’m worth the kind of effort that I usually make for others. I think that’s important, that it’s a real thing. That I should stop putting myself at the bottom of the list, and I should stop letting others that the same. And that I shouldn't feel guilty about being treated nicely, being treated with consideration. It's hard. I'm really bad at it. But she's right, I *do* deserve it, I *am* worthy.

I’m important and I need to be made to feel important instead of being the fucking martyr who will put up with anything in return for little scraps of attention. In the last year I got the stress and drama and pain and bullshit of trying to be with someone without any of the benefits of getting to really be with them or have a real relationship. All of the negatives and so very few of the positives. I spent too much time trying to live up to some stupid ideal, to be noble and honorable, to be nice, to be accommodating, to make sure that everyone else was comfortable and happy, to do everything ‘the right way’. This sort of behavior has got to stop.

It stops here and now.

I will not go begging, I will not accept the scraps, I will not make disproportionate efforts. If people don’t have time for me, I don’t have time for them. If they aren’t willing to make an effort, I will stop trying as well, sooner rather than later. I won’t continue to pour water into a bottomless bucket. Proportion is important - people will get back what they give. I’m not going to be the bottomless well of giving, of consideration, of effort. Instead of me going out of my way, of making continual efforts to prove myself to others, they can prove themselves to me.

It seems appropriate at the beginning of the year to reset all of the measures, to ignore past imbalances.

The slate is clean. The rules have changed.

-the redhead-
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dirtstar on January 1st, 2004 07:27 pm (UTC)
Amen to all of that!