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22 August 2004 @ 12:57 am
Some things are not my responsibility  
Advice given to another by a friend of mine on PMM:

Might I gently suggest at this point, whether you entertain a hierarchy within your relationships or not, that you try to focus on what's *your* responsibility? Much as we'd like to sometimes, we can't manage our partners' lives for them...and part of their "job" is to manage each of *their* relationships...with you and with any others.

It's good that you're open about your feelings, involvements and interests. I point out, though, that you could be setting yourself up for disappointment if you're basing your own happiness upon expectations of others' behavior. For example, you say you're "not comfortable as a secondary" if you're not able to have the/any primary "know you". That's basically the decision of that otherlove, you know, how much they want/need to know you. Likewise, the lil' Might I gently suggest at this point, whether you entertain a hierarchy within your relationships or not, that you try to focus on what's *your* responsibility? Much as we'd like to sometimes, we can't manage our partners' lives for them...and part of their "job" is to manage each of *their* relationships...with you and with any others.

It's good that you're open about your feelings, involvements and interests. I point out, though, that you could be setting yourself up for disappointment if you're basing your own happiness upon expectations of others' behaviour. For example, you say you're "not comfortable as a secondary" if you're not able to have the/any primary "know you". That's basically the decision of that otherlove, you know, how much they want/need to know you. Likewise, the lil' idiosynchrasies between your partner and his otherloves really is not your concern, not even your *business*. You and he establish whatever rules you and he need, and whatever lies beyond is *his* responsibility.

I sense that your intentions are the very best, that you just want everyone to be happy and healthy...but take a look at your boundaries and have a think about what's really *your* responsibility. I understand your desire for that poly utopia, where everyone coexists in peace and love...but remember you get there ONE RELATIONSHIP AT A TIME. You take care of yours, and hopefully the others will use your excellent example as model for their own success stories.
between your partner and his otherloves really is not your concern, not even your *business*. You and he establish whatever rules you and he need, and whatever lies beyond is *his* responsibility.

I sense that your intentions are the very best, that you just want everyone to be happy and healthy...but take a look at your boundaries and have a think about what's really *your* responsibility. I understand your desire for that poly utopia, where everyone coexists in peace and love...but remember you get there ONE RELATIONSHIP AT A TIME. You take care of yours, and hopefully the others will use your excellent example as model for their own success stories.


Take home message - stop trying so hard, I am not responsible for other's relationships, and should not worry so much about whether everything I do impacts others.

-the redhead-
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