?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
23 August 2004 @ 02:39 pm
Random poly questions 'o the day  
If I'm not in a primary relationship, should I be in a secondary relationship?

If I want a primary relationship, should I be in a secondary relationship?

If I'm not in a primary relationship, should I only have relationships with others in the same position?

If I'm not in a primary relationship, should I have secondary LDRs? Or maybe that should be if I'm not in a primary relationship, should I have *only* secondary LDRs?

Should I have an LDR only if I have a local relationship?

Should I lower my standards, or should I just pitch the whole relationship idea completely?

-la belle rouge-
Tags: ,
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
-the redhead-theredhead on August 23rd, 2004 06:13 pm (UTC)
'Do I want this relationship?' isn't really the question.

I'm trying to figure out what will work best? That doesn't really sound right. Hmmm... Maybe more like trying to figure out if I'm doing anything wrong or if I should be doing things differently? It has a lot to do with reality versus desires. With a dash of frustration thrown in for good measure.

-the redhead-
(Deleted comment)
-the redhead-theredhead on August 23rd, 2004 07:58 pm (UTC)
*nod*

Gotta weigh and measure things - analysis.

How to do things better. How to do them... right? What's best for me in the long term? Stuff like that.

C
-the redhead-theredhead on August 23rd, 2004 06:15 pm (UTC)
Life is, after all, a strategy game.

C
Musings from the CZ unitcz_unit on August 23rd, 2004 08:27 pm (UTC)
Hm. Interesting and direct questions.

If I'm not in a primary relationship, should I be in a secondary relationship?
Depends on what you are looking for. I've known people who do not want a primary relationship, and are quite happy to simply have secondary relationships.

If I want a primary relationship, should I be in a secondary relationship?
I would say no. Reason being that if what you want is a primary relationship, then the secondary relationship will limit your choices to people who can accept the fact that you have a relationship with someone else (ie: Poly people, who after all are a small subset of "people" and might not share your values/beliefs/dreams/etc).

Once again, depends on what you are looking for.

If I'm not in a primary relationship, should I only have relationships with others in the same position?
Other people who are in relationships with people whom they are not primary? I suppose that would work; perhaps this is a way to find a primary.

If I'm not in a primary relationship, should I have secondary LDRs? Or maybe that should be if I'm not in a primary relationship, should I have *only* secondary LDRs?
The decision on LDRs should be based on if you can handle it. I've found that LDRs with people I love can take a serious amount of resources; then again I've found that LDRs with people I only see once a year do not require said resources. So it depends on what you are looking for.

Should I have an LDR only if I have a local relationship?
I do not know.

Most of the answers on this one seem to stem off the question "what are you looking for" and "what do you want". What are you looking for, and what do you want?

CZ
-the redhead-theredhead on August 24th, 2004 08:03 am (UTC)
I think these questions also stand on their own - see my below comment to MisterX

C
(Deleted comment)
-the redhead-theredhead on August 24th, 2004 08:00 am (UTC)
Yes, there is always subtext *smile*

But I think that the questions stand on their own as well.

It's that real reality versus personal reality thing (or as I call it 'perception as reality', to which I don't subscribe). I'm sure you and Mel have witnessed *many* situations where a person 'makes' their own little reality that they are happy with and cling desperately to it. Doesn't seem to matter if it has anything to do with actual reality or if they are doing anything wrong or not. You know - the situations where we all just shake our heads and say 'what in the world is so-and-so thinking??'

I'm trying to avoid that by starting from the top down rather than the very self-centered 'this is what I must have' position and trying to force everyone and everything to fit in that mold.

-the redhead-
-the redhead-theredhead on August 24th, 2004 08:01 am (UTC)
It's like just because *I* want something doesn't make it right or important or even realistic, yanno?

C