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19 December 2004 @ 03:23 pm
Thought from the past few weeks  
So now that the concussion, the fight for class and the actual class are over, I’ve had time to reflect on the past few weeks. I think that having the concussion & being way busy have been both good and bad. In some ways kept me from thinking too much, but then your head fills up and you have to address things. Or at least get them out of your head to make room for other things. It’s hard to work when everything else is wandering around in there.

Got busted for forgetting Mom’s birthday (on the exact day). I made the mistake of letting other things get in the way. I guess it all works out tho, because my family regularly forgets mine because it’s not by anyone else’s. Must remember to get some holiday paper to wrap Mom’s presents. Also have to get something for baby brother and his gal. I had made the mistake of focusing effort and $$ on someone else, so am behind in other areas. Family first is really the way to go. I have a decent family, and they will understand that I’m just making it financially so things might be late. Dunno what to do with the things I already purchased, as they aren’t appropriate for Mom or baby brother. Maybe I can give some of them to the shelter, but I’m afraid I’m going to just end up pitching the electronics.

Work continues to be what it has been for so long. Am working on changing that, tho I think progress might not happen within that organization given the current situation. I’m going to actively try to seek some champions. Hope it works, as the organization in general is a good place and I don’t necessarily want to leave. There must be room for growth and new opportunities. Especially in light of the fact that my job is essentially being phased out and there seems to be no thought for the future by my manager or her boss (or anyone else in the organization). No encouragement either – I shouldn’t have to fight for a class that was planned and paid for 3 months ago, the one approved by my boss after lots of discussion on what will help me improve what and how I do things at work and that I can bring things back to the team, just because she’s decided now it’s not convenient. I’m really glad I got to go, but it shouldn’t be so hard. Somehow it’s important for by boss to improve their career and get training and have a plan, but we are just supposed to be happy with what we’ve got. With no move towards anything in the future it’s just stagnation - maybe not worth it even if I do like the paycheck. But one must take care of themselves, as there isn’t anyone else to depend on. Yeah, got family, but I’m usually the one who sends my Mom $$, not the other way around.

Need to research what it means when the ‘hi’ setting light is flashing on the make higher thingie in my Subaru. May have something to do with the ride seeming to be rough and not very shock absorbing. Somehow I don’t think it’s something that I can fix on my own. I just need to nurse the car along for another 11 months. Need to somehow save up $12K.

Broke it off with someone recently *sigh* Not what I really wanted and certainly not what my heart wanted, but necessary to defend myself and preserve my own integrity. The heart doesn’t get a vote when it comes to reality. I have bunches of thoughts about the situation, tho I think it’s better to lock them in the little box forever and ignore them, really. There are some things I don’t understand about it, and frankly relationships in general. Why is it that people don’t really want what they say they want? Why do people have to pry and push at boundries and dig for information and thoughts and feelings, especially when they’ve said they want a very limited thing and they don’t provide the same sort of insight into themselves? And why, of all things, do people seem to have more time and make more effort and have more understanding *after* you break up with them? I just don’t get it, especially when the things are exactly what you were expressing you weren’t getting in the first place? Is it because they want to make themselves feel better, and that’s the only thing that matters? Like when BritBoy broke up with me he then sent me 2 dozen roses and called several times ‘to make sure I was okay’ – what’s up with that? Why would they want to talk to one afterwards and why does the reasonable and realistic conversation happen then? Does it have something to do with pressure being off or something? It’s like a false sense of understanding and concern is created after things are gone. I really don’t get why someone would then say they still want things and be willing to try, but they weren’t before? Is it that ‘you don’t miss what you had until it’s gone’? Why care after, but not before? It’s pretty twisting, really. Of course, stupid me got sucked in and tried anyways – some of that was getting a real serious conk on the head, having blinding headaches, and not thinking clearly for a week. Some of it was the ingrained politeness – always gotta be ‘nice’. Some of it hope for understanding and that maybe things could be better. Some of it just me being stupid *sigh* Well, at least I understand why and how I was was being… weak and my personal feelings for the person were getting out of hand. I did learn some things tho – even if someone is very good for you but the situation or outside influences are bad, it still makes for a bad situation. The costs of letting someone in often outweigh the benefits.

Pilates/rehab has been going well, and my neck and back are doing better. It’s a blessing to not be in pain *all* the time after so many months of it, and has been pretty consistently less painful for the last 3 weeks. Now only later in the day and at the end of the week, for the most part. Not so ‘crunchy’ either, as things are being put into better alignment and getting some proper support. I can still see how I am pretty uneven and weak in some areas during my sessions, but those things seem to be improving slowly. I didn’t think it would take this long, but changing muscle habits and building up that which had been so injured and become wasted takes awhile. I’m still impatient with things, but part of their jobs is to make sure I don’t just suck it up and overdo. Hard to speak with someone about things (pain, weakness) I don’t normally admit speak of, but I do know they’ve got to know. I’m glad that I found people who aren’t afraid to lecture me when I do overreach. On the other hand, I have the traps of a weightlifter, apparently. Got another month or so to go, and in the meantime my team will try to get more sessions approved.

In conjunction with the rehab, the weight has come in line and I’m the right weight again. I’m still trying to be a little careful about what I eat in view of going to spend time with my Mom and a possible dinner or two out (as well as baking cookies and my favorite beef stroganoff made by Mom). No worries tho, it will all fall back into line after the beginning of the year.

I had been sort of seeing someone that I found interesting and intelligent lately, and was surprised that they came out and said they just wanted to sleep with me and if I wasn’t going to ‘give it up’ they didn’t want to have anything further to do with me. I guess it’s nice they were honest and upfront, but I was still.. disappointed. Yeah, it really did make me a bit upset, which was probably more effort than they deserved. Yeah, it was an ego boost to have someone tell me I’m ‘hot’ and desireable, but I’m not a just fuck around kind of gal. Maybe that’s one of my problems.

Okay – maybe now that I’ve poured some of this out of my head there will be room for learning & career type things.

-the redhead-
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Semiotesemiote on December 19th, 2004 03:13 pm (UTC)
hi red: it'ssemiote from pmm. i joined the polyamory community and noticed you're a member. mind if i add you as a friend?

mandel
-the redhead-theredhead on December 20th, 2004 12:28 pm (UTC)
Sure thing - just don't expect any earth-shattering insights ;)

-the redhead-