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04 January 2005 @ 06:07 pm
How Many Riders Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?  
WESTERN PLEASURE RIDERS:
Oh, my God, someone fix that bulb, I have to have light so that my silver
and spangles all glow to their best and so that all the highlighter on Old
Peanut Head makes his nose look so smooth and sparkly. Oh, maybe you without
all the silver on your saddle, obviously you can't ride, you can do it.

ENDURANCE RIDER:
Light bulb? Do you mind, I'm trying to get my horse's pulse
respiration/hydration levels down to respectable levels. Once that is done,
I have another 50 miles to go before I can even think about changing a light
bulb.

DRESSAGE QUEEN:
Change a light bulb? Are you joking? I couldn't possibly be expected to
subject myself to such a menial task. Change it yourself. Oh, and wash your
hands when you are finished. The very thought!

CLASSICAL DRESSAGE QUEEN:
These things cannot be rushed, but must be approached slowly, with great
patience, and adherence to the principles laid down by the classical
masters, otherwise the light bulb will not attain its true potential, but
will forever be just be a shadow of its true self. Never, ever, use any type
of gadget when changing the light bulb. That is an offense to the principles
of classical light bulb changing.

EVENTER:
Wuss! As soon as my arm is out of this sling broken after falling off at
that stone wall while riding Hell Bent for Leather cross-country, I'll
change it. Until then, deal with the dark. It'll put hair on your chest.
Only dressage riders require lights, anyway.

SHOW JUMPER:
Why on Earth would I need to change a light bulb when the whole world knows
that the sun shines out of my rear. Why, when I release over a jump, the
spectators are practically blinded.

NATURAL HORSEMAN:
You must instill respect in the light bulb, so that it sees you as the Alpha
light bulb, using "light bulb dynamics" (video set available for $179.00 on
my Web site). Once you have done this, you will find that there is really no
need to change the light bulb at all, but that the light bulb will, with
very little coaxing from you (using patented "light bulb coaxer" designed by
me--$99.00 each, for extra $49.99 you get an introductory video thrown in),
behave as all good light bulbs should.

HUNTER RIDER:
Well, I'm waiting for my trainer to tell me exactly how but he's changing
light bulbs somewhere else right now.

FOX HUNTER:
As soon as we finish with the hunt breakfast, Darling, and polish off what's
left in our flasks... heck we only need light at 5 AM to braid on a High
Holy Day. We're used to catching our horses in the dark! OK, so after we
collect all the hounds, hose our horses and ourselves down, have another
glass of refreshment, I'll send someone else out to do it later, I need a
nap.
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