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26 January 2005 @ 09:38 am
Random poly musings  
poly thoughts resulting from the this past weekend...
- what is 'family'
- is there a difference between biological family and family of choice?
- who is family?
- should/do other people in your immediate family (traditional sense of the term here) accept others that you have so designated as family too?
- poly panels & conferences seem to be all about partnered (married, triads, living together) people.
- most of the questions and panels focus on addressing primary relationships
- leader of advanced poly panel said 'I'm busy writing down topic ideas - marriage, children, threesoms, scheduling, mortgages, finances...'
- Poly Living conference is pretty much the same - they have things that focus on sexuality (Tantra, sacred sexuality, cuddle parties, etc.), poly + other alternative lifestyles (TPE, BD/SM, etc.), threesomes, Poly and the Law (focusing on children & primary type relationship agreements) and poly parenting.
- what about secondaries? what about single polys? There never seems to be a focus on them, but rather everything seems to grow out of 'how does it affect the primary relationship?' We have a valid points of view, issues, and concerns too!
- aren't the singles for the most part where the 'fresh meat' comes from? So why is one side of the coin so much more important in everyone's mind than the other side?

Must post more things in LJ poly community & PMM.

-the redhead-
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-the redhead-theredhead on January 27th, 2005 04:51 pm (UTC)
This makes sense to me
munin wrote:

Generally speaking, family to me is any person or group of persons whom I know that I could go to with any problem I had and they would not only sympathize with me and offer me comfort but who would also do anything in their power to help me. That being said, I don't live with my family (or my Family). My Family is LDR and includes my partner's partners. I know that my mother, for instance, does not consider my Family to be part of the family and yes, I would like it if she did.

I do differentiate between family of choice and family of origin. My family of choice I usually denote with the capital F seen above. My Family is my poly family and the extended people associated with that. My family is my family of origin.


I appreciate the delineations - it may not be what the teeming masses are used to, but it does make a great deal of sense. I think I have a very small Family (my mom & baby brother) and a very large family (my other brothers and a gazillion cousins). My Mom is quite the opposite, and would happily include almost everyone in my life as Family given the opportunity. Sometimes this is not a good thing.

-the redhead-
Skittenskitten on January 28th, 2005 06:03 pm (UTC)
- what is 'family'
It depends- it could be the biological background you've been blessed or cursed with or the people you choose to spend time with.... If you are lucky, it can be a viable, positive support system for when things are going TRULY badly....and people who will celebrate your successes and victories....

- is there a difference between biological family and family of choice?
definately.... one you were born with, the other you chose them and they chose you....

- should/do other people in your immediate family (traditional sense of the term here) accept others that you have so designated as family too?
So far so good for me :)

- what about secondaries? what about single polys? There never seems to be a focus on them, but rather everything seems to grow out of 'how does it affect the primary relationship?' We have a valid points of view, issues, and concerns too!

- aren't the singles for the most part where the 'fresh meat' comes from? So why is one side of the coin so much more important in everyone's mind than the other side?

I've never been to any of these conferences and I probably won't.... because for me it's a part of everyday life, not something I want to analyze with anyone but those I spent time with... BUT.... I do think that if this is something you feel is deeply important.... maybe you should find a way to create a conference to meet these needs....

What do you define as a single poly? Someone in NO relationship but with poly beliefs? Someone in long distant relationships only? Someone whoonly wants to be in secondary relationships? Or all of the above and more?

Not sure why...but the words "fresh meat" made me feel uncomfortable... it sounds so presumptuous and insulting... maybe it's just my perception though.... poly, to me, doesn't feel like it's about an open meat market.... *shiver*
-the redhead-theredhead on January 28th, 2005 06:31 pm (UTC)
I define single polys as those who are not in a live-in or other primary-type relationship.

Yes, I do know the *technical* difference between biofamily and family of choice - my question was more along the lines of are they treated differently? Does one matter more than the other? How do they fit differently into one's life? Does one or the other type require commitment?

As for 'fresh meat' - I was being a bit facetious. I've been treated, referred to, and called 'fresh meat' so many times that I feel I can play with it a bit ;)

-the redhead-
Skittenskitten on January 28th, 2005 06:44 pm (UTC)
hmmm- I think there's possibly more drama with biological family- partly because they've known you since you were in diapers... but it really depends on the people...

my parents are nifty (though a bit clueless and confused about the pagan thing) but most of my biological family thinks I'm some weirdo liberal (which I am but MY kind of weird ;--->) but they don't know about my TRUE spiritual beliefs.

my friends are people I've met along the way and we have an ease about us because a) I don't hide my religion or liberalism with them as I do most of my biological family.... b) there isn't any need on most of their parts to behave parentally or protectively....
-the redhead-theredhead on January 28th, 2005 07:19 pm (UTC)
about family, someone at PMM wrote:

My "immediate" family is my kid, my parents, and my grandmother. My "extended" family is my partner, his family and all my good friends (along with Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, etc.). My partner and I haven't been together that long, but I think with time my feelings will change to make him and his family more a part of my "immediate" family. At least that's what I'd like to see happen.

Another way to view things, which also makes a great deal of sense. Under this model my immediate family is Mom & Seann, and my extended family includes a gazillion cousins. Eh, pretty much the same, but it's always good to have nore than one way to view things.

-the redhead-