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25 February 2005 @ 07:36 am
The cold and snow are appropriate today  
Well, it's over. Not necessarily something I wanted to deal with after 2 hours of sleep and being awake for all of 15 minutes, but not my choice. Not the result I wanted at all. Maybe it's good that I really wasn't awake or coherent, as perhaps it hurt les. At least at the moment...

Silly me, I had been up most of the night trying to figure out how my thinking was wrong and what I could do differently. Better. How to reduce my needs and desires. How to be happy with fitting into a very small box, only to be taken out on occasion. How to take pressure away and make things more even. Heh... Wasted effort, it seems.

Funny how people want something, but really can't make room for it in the end. But you know, I cannot reconcile other people's lives, no matter how much I'd like to help. Somehow I'm still left with the feeling that it's my fault becuase I was not good enough somehow. I didn't try hard enough. I wasn't flexible enough. That the options I could come up with, which seemed the best fit for the situation at hand, weren't good enough. I failed. *sigh*

Oh well, guess that in the end I wasn't what was wanted. or what fit, or was convenient or whatever. So at 7:30 am, alone and in a city far from home, I was dumped. Ah well, I suppose I should chalk it up to another one of those pricey learning experiences. Stuck here for another day, as it would cost even more to get home tomorrow. Not to mention the stupid hotel will charge me for the room anyway, becuase that's 'their policy' *sigh* At least they brought me clean towels...

So, I put on my pretty face and my professonal attire and head off for another 9 hours of being pleasant and helpful and dealing with our customers.

Smile!!

-the redhead-
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Traveler Farlandertwfarlan on February 25th, 2005 02:39 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry that you got dumped. At least now, maybe you'll be in a position to find someone who can appreciate you, as you well deserve.
-the redhead-theredhead on February 25th, 2005 05:11 pm (UTC)
Thanks for your kind thoughts. They are especially welcome as I am 2000 miles away from home and alone.

-the redhead-
Traveler Farlandertwfarlan on February 26th, 2005 01:28 am (UTC)
I kinda sympathize. I've been dumped at 1000 miles from home and I've been dropped after just flying home from a visit to the then-fiancee who had an email waiting for me by the time I got there telling me not to bother calling her again as she was very happy with her new woman.

So ... yeah. Someone worthy of you is out there, probably looking for you without knowing your name. Just knowing that the exact dream of desire they have held for years is somewhere out there.
Bill the bold bosthoonwcg on February 25th, 2005 02:52 pm (UTC)
My condolences. That's wrong on so many levels it just boggles the mind.

Anyhow, if you're in DC (as I seem to recall) and you'd like a cup of coffee and company for a bit, let me know. If solitude is preferable I completely understand.
-the redhead-theredhead on February 25th, 2005 05:21 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the kind offer. If you are still going to be 'in town' this evening, just a couple of us are meeting at 8:15 pm at the Burrito Bros. on DuPont Circle. You would be more than welcome to join us, tho I do realize that is pretty last and not exactly in your neighborhood.

Thanks again for the kind thoughts - they are much appreciated. I will muddle through meeting complete strangers this evening, but your kindness today will help a little bit.

I don't know that I will be able to check my email again much before 7:30 or so this evening.

Once you asked why I try so hard not to let myself be vulnerable - this is why.

I'm not sure what to think when someone says they want so much more than a casual relationship where we speak only occasionally at best and see each other very rarely, but they really only have/can make the time (due to important things like family and kids and work and a real life) for that casual level of relationship and don't want any pressure (ie - not wanting to commit to speaking even once a week, for example). That they love me and being my 'fuck buddy' isn't good enough because they love me. I'm having difficult doing that math...

-the redhead-
Bill the bold bosthoonwcg on February 25th, 2005 06:24 pm (UTC)
Doubt I can make it for dinner, and I really wish I could. Perhaps some other time?

As for that math problem you posit above, I think it is soluble only in some closed set that is purely theoretical and has little relationship to reality (but perhaps quite a lot to wishful thinking).

Looking at it from the position of a poly man, I can understand the wishful thinking. You're a beautiful and intelligent woman, and a man with ethics might think that it'd be boorish to proposition you for a casual liaison. If he could somehow convince himself that he could offer you love, in whatever small amounts, then he might be able to reconcile his desire for you with his ethics. Of course that doesn't change the reality of the situation, and the two of you still only have a very small amount of time together, but he can consider himself virtuous for loving you.
-the redhead-theredhead on February 26th, 2005 06:02 am (UTC)
But are they really 'poly' if they cannot or won't (due to the more important aforementioned obligations) make the time for what they say they want?

I mean, if one wishes to have a relationship that is more than casual-when-time-permits, then isn't it reasonable to be willing to give that in return?

Yes, life happens, Yes, things get disrupted. Yes, people have lives and obligations. Yes, it even snows a bit and ruins plans - which we get disappointed about and maybe bitch a little bit.

But if you want something, then don't you commit to it? Things work both ways, yes? So how does it work that I was talking about and *asking* (yes, asking - as in this is something I've come up with, what do you think?) about 'leveling' things, taking pressure off and lowering expectations, but that's 'not good enough'? BTW - it was not phrased in terms of just a casual, one time liaison, but rather as a method of 'fixing' the relationship to more closely align with the reality of what they could offer. That I had spent a great deal of time thinking about and trying to get conceptually comfortable with. Ironic, no?

One thing I thought of today is that it's not the extraordinary, big things that make up 'real' relationship, but rather the mundane, every day sorts of things.

-the redhead-
Bill the bold bosthoonwcg on February 26th, 2005 06:51 am (UTC)
As far as "really poly" goes, I tend to take a big tent approach to peoples' choices to call themselves poly. If they tell me that they're poly, I accept that they are, by whatever they define that to be. But I don't get involved with someone who's told me she's poly unless I've had a pretty good opportunity to make sure her definition and mine coincide.

With respect to your question about resprocity: if one wishes to have a relationship that is more than casual-when-time-permits, then isn't it reasonable to be willing to give that in return?

Yes, of course it is. I think that in any peer relationship it's reasonable to expect resprocity. It doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. It can be anything where the two partners come to the relationship as equals. So yes, it's reasonable to expect that if someone wants something, they're willing to commit to providing it too.

it's not the extraordinary, big things that make up 'real' relationship, but rather the mundane, every day sorts of things.

So very true. The extraordinary things are icing on the cake, but it's the little things that you each put into the relationship that really add up.

So anyhow, I hope dinner went well. Try to enjoy your time in the area if you're going to be here tomorrow. There's a lot to see.
-the redhead-theredhead on February 26th, 2005 04:38 pm (UTC)
Ah yes - making sure that definitions coincide. *Very* good point. Thank you for giving me something to think about. While poly as a whole may mean nothing more than 'loving more than one' (in which case I think the great majority are poly), the trick is how you act on it with each individual. Or maybe better to say in each individual situation.

Reciprocity, and all the nuances there of (for it will never be the same for any 2 people) is an important point. Another thing for me to think on.

Thanks

-the redhead-
-the redhead-theredhead on February 25th, 2005 05:24 pm (UTC)
This is the sort of thing that causes me to try to be emotionally impenetrable - it's safer, yanno?

-the redhead-
Bill the bold bosthoonwcg on February 25th, 2005 06:05 pm (UTC)
I do. But do you think that made any difference in your level of personal heartache? I'm not criticizing, far from it, but I am wondering how you feel right now.
-the redhead-theredhead on February 26th, 2005 04:33 pm (UTC)
I think my choice of 'impenetrable' was not... right. Not what I meant *sigh* I misspoke, as it were. There's a difference between totally impenetrable and emotionally vulnerable, both of which I try not to be. I did let someone into my life (not impenetrable). But I also try to protect myself from hurt (not emotionally vulnerable).

Yes, I did care a great deal. Yes, it *is* disappointing. Frankly, it sucks on many levels. I did try to convey my thoughts and *ask* (yes, asking - as in this is something I've come up with, what do you think?), but that didn't work. Yes, it does hurt.

But I do not let this blow a crater in my life either. I do spend a bit of time talking about it, trying to understand it, as it is an 'event' in my life. I do try to understand the situation, what happened, and what people were thinking, if for nothing other than more knowledge on what to expect and how to handle similar things in the future. That learning thing.

But now I put all of this in a little box and lock it away, as life goes on and, as always, I must make my way. I move on to the things in my life which continue, and I try really hard not to dwell. I focus on things that I can do something about and try to keep my eye on the horizon. Life is long term, and I think should be dealt with that way. I do little things like make arrangements to get to the airport tomorrow. Details which still need to be addressed. I do bigger things like speaking with the our General Manager yesterday about some ideas to contribute to and improve a situation in the company (and I was pleased that he thought I was showing initiative and gave me permission to pilot some of my ideas wrt our international components).

I do not cry or wallow in misery - it's not productive and there's no one to 'lean' on anyway. One must be practical.

I'm fine - I always have to be and am.

And apparently I ramble a bit ;)

-the redhead-
Bill the bold bosthoonwcg on February 26th, 2005 06:08 pm (UTC)
All in all you seem to be taking a very sensible approach to this. As someone who chooses to be composed and reserved in my interactions with the world, what you're saying above makes complete good sense.

I think that if I were in your current situation I'd be doing a lot of the same things you're doing. Whether the heartache would be the same is hard to say. I somehow doubt that heartache is fungible. But regardless of that, it's pretty evident to me that you're feeling heartache and my own heart goes out to you in this difficult time.
prettypammieprettypammie on February 25th, 2005 04:41 pm (UTC)
Horses are better...you can discipline them for dumping you...
Rats, I'm not there this week or I'd say let's do lunch or something. Are you going back today/this weekend?

-P
-the redhead-theredhead on February 25th, 2005 05:23 pm (UTC)
Thank you ma'am - I really appreciate your kind thoughts, esp. when I'm so far from home and alone.

Yeah, I think sometimes horses *are* better *nod* I'm trying to figure out whether to try to get home tonorrow or stay until Sunday, but either way I think we miss each other which is unfortunate.

Have a great weekend and please give Con an extra pat for me.

-the redhead-
Pete 'Happy' Thomashappypete on February 26th, 2005 07:29 am (UTC)
re: the gentleman in question...
There's a saying I learned at one point: "Once is an incident; twice is a trend."

AFAICT, this makes the "twice" since I've known him...and his actions really didn't make a lot of sense to me either time.

Must speak to him about it some time--except he always takes that damned patronizing tone in conversations--I honestly think he thinks he's being gracious in granting me the favor of his opinions.

Must...process...but...first...must...sleep...
nyobserver on February 25th, 2005 05:46 pm (UTC)
darn. I am sorry you've had to go through this.
Cat of LOVE!kimberlogic on February 26th, 2005 11:59 pm (UTC)
We don't know each other, but I am sorry that you were dumped, and in such a brutal way. That hour of the morning is non-ideal, and while in-person is better, being away from home and friends is awful.

The stuff about wanting serious/deep yet not even talking regularly, expecting total access but being selectively available ... well, as happypete said, it's the second time I've heard all that. sigh.

I hope you hang in there, and that you get home soon. I know it won't help the heartache all that much, but it is ... home.