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20 October 2003 @ 01:31 pm
The question of the day  
The question of the day seems to be 'What does the Redhead want from a relationship?'. The people asking seem to want *real* answers, as opposed to the polite social answers. They want the what's and why's. To know what is inside my head.

Why does it even matter? The people asking couldn't begin to provide those things anyway. What is the point of me having a self-centered discussion about what I want? Many of them are... unrealistic given my current life anyway.

So what's the point of going there?

-the redhead-
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Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.melanie on October 20th, 2003 12:42 pm (UTC)
because sometimes, just speaking something aloud to another human being puts a new light on things that you might never have expected.
-the redhead-theredhead on October 20th, 2003 04:33 pm (UTC)
But it would still be one of those horrible... things that would involve statements like 'I want...'. Something very self-centered. Like all those 'me me me' people out there who don't possess an ounce of restraint or consideration for others because *they* are the center of the universe and their wants are paramount.

I know that having the conversation with someone won't change what I think or feel. Unfortunately there is no new light to be had :/

I mean, does it really matter that what I really want is a house and kids and a white picket fence? Someone to *be* there? These things aren't what I predicate my relationships upon at any rate, as they are quite unlikely to happen.

-the redhead-
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.melanie on October 21st, 2003 04:57 am (UTC)
"I mean, does it really matter that what I really want is a house and kids and a white picket fence? Someone to *be* there? These things aren't what I predicate my relationships upon at any rate, as they are quite unlikely to happen."

hm. okay, is there some value of "and" to this? in other words, do you want the house/kids/fence thing AND these other relationships, which also have their value but are not all-fulfilling in and of themselves? or do you really just want *one* relationship that meets all the criteria? or would it also be fine to have a house/kids/fence-type homelife with, perhaps, the other relationships also?

is the poly thing a Plan B that doesn't quite fulfill you, although it does have obvious value? is the poly thing something that you'd like to have in addition, or does that matter, really?

and - if it's *not* what you want, and you are allowing yourself to be involved in something that is *not* what you actually want and never can be, then how can you expect to get what you want? you sound very frustrated about this, and i do wonder if, because of your frustration, you've made it impossible to ever be disappointed in that way again and also made it impossible to attain what you wish for by turning your back on it.

~alt, awaiting her thrashing with dread
-the redhead-theredhead on October 21st, 2003 06:25 am (UTC)
No thrashing *smile* I can always count on you for a real discussion, which is a good thing.

Have to go down to CNS (Congress of Neurosurgeons) this morning, will answer later this afternoon when I get back :)

-the redhead-
-the redhead-theredhead on October 25th, 2003 01:35 pm (UTC)
Okay, now that the conference, end of the quarter and being sick are over...

hm. okay, is there some value of "and" to this? in other words, do you want the house/kids/fence thing AND these other relationships, which also have their value but are not all-fulfilling in and of themselves?

Yes.

or do you really just want *one* relationship that meets all the criteria? or would it also be fine to have a house/kids/fence-type homelife with, perhaps, the other relationships also?

Many days I don't know. I think not, though. Would I be happy with a single relationship? Another thing I do not have an answer to as I haven't come to that particular bridge yet.

is the poly thing a Plan B that doesn't quite fulfill you, although it does have obvious value?

Plan B? It would seem that the standard sort of dating would be much easier and require far less effort and logistical planning. Not to mention guarantee me more time with whomever. Less distance. More human contact. In comparison the poly thing doesn't seem to be much of a 'fallback' plan *smile*

is the poly thing something that you'd like to have in addition, or does that matter, really?

Yes, it does matter. Or rather *relationships* matter. People matter. Each of them is valuable and unique. What we share is the same. As for the poly thing, I stumble through this new world just as others do.

and - if it's *not* what you want, and you are allowing yourself to be involved in something that is *not* what you actually want and never can be, then how can you expect to get what you want

See this is where talking about what I 'want' can cause things to be screwed up and taken out of context. 'In addition' somehow sounds like it's less 'important' than the someone to come home to/house/kids/white picket fence. Yes I want those things. But I do not predicate my relationships upon my ideal life. I'd be very unhappy and my life would be even less rich than it is if I did.

you sound very frustrated about this, and i do wonder if, because of your frustration, you've made it impossible to ever be disappointed in that way again and also made it impossible to attain what you wish for by turning your back on it.

There is value to being realistic and avoiding disappointment, no? I don't think that I've made it 'impossible' to find what I want. Just because I want to be an Olympic Show Jumper doesn't mean it is going to be so either.

-the redhead-
Wolfteddywolf on October 20th, 2003 03:48 pm (UTC)
Also, it might give some much needed perspective to said people. Might even let a few of them down gently too.
-the redhead-theredhead on October 20th, 2003 04:37 pm (UTC)
Perspective, perhaps.

Let them down gently? How so? It's not like I have these sorts of conversations with random people on the street *smile* These are people that I am already involved with to some degree or another.

I just don't see how it really matters, as these things are not 'requirements' (see above).

-the redhead-
-the redhead-theredhead on October 20th, 2003 06:56 pm (UTC)
Reasons why it's okay
- Perspective (?)
- because they care
- because they are interested
- it reveals things about me
- sometimes it's okay to talk about me - they might not think I'm being self-centered
- it's okay to talk about things that aren't possible (tho I still thinks it's very different from talking about wanting a nap or to be an astronaut or some such)

So why is this topic difficult?

-the redhead-
Christopher Scottkorwyn on October 21st, 2003 12:13 pm (UTC)
Casual relationships work so well, eh?
Because when you actually confront your fears, and acknowledge your needs you *might* manage to start looking in the places where the needs can be met. But that takes work (really).
-the redhead-theredhead on October 24th, 2003 08:20 am (UTC)
Re: Casual relationships work so well, eh?
It doesn't have anything to do with my fears, and I *do* know what I want, what I need, and what I can get by with. So, with your reasoning, what's the point in your mind?

-the redhead-
...who finds it very amusing to get advice from the pot *grin*
Christopher Scottkorwyn on October 24th, 2003 10:30 am (UTC)
Re: Casual relationships work so well, eh?
You asked the question, no?

You accepted things that you did not want / need / desire?

So, either you do not understand your need, or you settled.

The point in my mind is that setting the boundry is necessary before acheiving the goal. Maybe the standards need review, or you need adjustment (YMMV).

The Pot