-the redhead- (theredhead) wrote,
-the redhead-

Thoughts with V*******

V******* and I always have the most interesting conversations.

One topic from today is 'why aren't we married'?

The easy, throw away answer for me is 'because I just got unmarried'.

But that's not the real answer. No more than it's the real answer to why no one in really interested in me and I'm not asked out on dates. The real answer is *far* more complex. One reason is we are strong women who can and do take care of ourselves. This seems to be a turn off to men - don't know why that is. We have strong personalities and are very capable and very intelligent, which seems to always put us in the friends box (see below). We have drive and ambition. We have standards. V**, you will have to share your criteria with me. You are the second person in a month that has talked about having analytically considered the topic and set down a list of sorts - I will try to get the the list P**** came up with too, as we've discussed it aa bit. The men who we are interested in are never interested in us. We have a weakness for pretty boys, and as we all know the pretty boys are surrounded by the really attractive women. Why else are we not married? We are not easy, we are a challenge. We take real work and effort, as opposed to being an easy, throw-away type relationship. We are attracted to men who can keep up intellectually, and those are hard to find.

We had a chat at midnight on the way home from the airport about getting married and having children. And have differning opinions, to no one's surprise. I don't know that I'd want to get married again, at least not until I have my own 'stuff' - house, car, substantial bank account, etc. A safety net, if you will. Having had everything yanked out from under me (even if it was my own choice to get divorced, Tim was very good at setting things up so that my name wasn't on anything important), I cannot forsee putting myself in such a tenuous position again. I have to have my own things, my own life, things to fall back upon. I will never be put out of my own house and have no place to go again, and I will never put myself in the position to let someone do that to me again. Tim really screwed me over in that whole arena.

A further aspect of that is that if I had a serious, committed relationship or got married again it would have to involve a new place to live. I would not want to live in 'their' house. I never want to feel a guest in my own home again. Another security issue.

Another topic was that having intelligent, far reaching, intellectually challenging conversations with men automatically puts a gal in the 'friends' box, no matter how interested we may be in them. It seems to be an automatic death sentence of sorts, because in the end men don't want to have those sorts of things with the women they date - too much work? It's funny, because the men will *claim* they want to date intelligent, capable, etc. women. But I've watched it or been victim to the results time after time. In truth, men really don't want those things, they don't want debate, they tend to want pretty little girls they can take care of. So those of us who do those things are forever relegated to friend.

Things to be addressed further, topics for many more conversations.

-the redhead-
Tags: musings
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