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02 January 2004 @ 09:18 am
The final word  
in case you didn't understand on the phone, that was me once again *agreeing* with you that you are 100% right and I am wrong.

Of course I *deserve* to be yelled at, punished, and thrown out of your life because I had the temerity to have feelings, to be honest and open with you, and to admit that it wasn't right or legitimate from the beginning, and to try to deal with the problem without causing a big scene. For trying to be proactive about something. For being stupid enough to tell you, instead of just sucking it up and making sure that your life is all happy and perfect. For spending 2 hours arguing with you trying to admit, to convince *you* I knew that I was wrong somehow and that I didn't want to feel that way and that I was trying to fix it. For *believing* all of the times you told me you wanted to know what I thought and felt.

You are completely wrong, completely out of line, being completely unreasonable. You wonder why I don't trust anyone? This is exactly why - becuase if I am they will just use it as a weapon to punish me in the end.

Thanks for the lesson about honesty, trust, and trying to admit when one is wrong. I'll make sure and remeber this one forever.

-the redhead-
Musings from the CZ unitcz_unit on January 2nd, 2004 08:32 am (UTC)
Sad part is it ain't about that Chendra.

My being upset has little to do with you being "wrong". If you're upset that I don't include you in my end-of-year ramblings, fine. But I wrote a lot of shit there. Personal shit. And I feel that I got bapped for not getting it right. And yes, you apologised. And pulled your thoughts and stuff out of my journal. There's a hole there now.

Most of it was simply the realization that everything last year was basically a massive drag on you. And that seeing me in January would just be another drag on you and finances and so forth. I seem to be the source of most of your "lessons"; all of them bad. Sorry, but even my traditional unflagging optimism will fail when faced with that. Yep, you were honest there I guess, and I suppose I simply didn't listen to you earlier. Now that I understand I'll just leave you the fuck alone. I'm causing way more hurt than I should.

I also understood the hang-up.