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22 February 2004 @ 11:25 pm
Endings  
Today has been lesson day. Lessons in caring for and feeling obligation toward people in my life when the feeling isn’t reciprocated. Making the time an effort but not being worth the same in return. Lessons in being ‘convenient’. Lessons in endings. Fun fun *sigh*

I look back on my New Year’s resolutions:

- generally people neither mean what they say nor say what they mean. Saying something in the moment is fine, but brass tacks is an entirely different matter. Just realize they are being 'nice' or 'polite' and move on - it's safer.
- if they don't have time for you then don't bother.
- sometimes people's lives just aren't what they think they are or want them to be.
- people need to get their lives in order before they invite others in, and there needs to be actual *room* there for others, not just the wish for room.
- I just need to be more cognizant of what other people really can provide, and set my expectations accordingly.
- the squeaky wheels and the drama queens get the grease and attention


They are all still so true. I think I lose sigh of those truths, those ideas, to my own detriment.

So when should one stop making the effort? When a person has ceased to fulfill any practical definition of ‘friend’ or more (according to their own repeatedly stated desires), when do you call them on it? When do you cease playing the game? Obviously you give them the benefit of the doubt because of their relative importance – but when do you stop? Why is consistency between word and deed so difficult for some people?

Maybe it all goes back to people having to prove themselves.

Why don’t people understand the impact of their actions on others?

I wish I could trade all my acquanitances for a few real relationships. I need to reinforce the walls. Just another thing to put in one of the boxes.

But at least I was fucking civilized and polite about it… *rolls eyes*

-the redhead-

The rules are simple:
#1 No expectations
#2 Actions speak louder than words
#3 You can only count on yourself
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callous joy:  clever, clever girlviolatedjoy on February 22nd, 2004 10:44 pm (UTC)
sometimes those walls hurt you more than any acquanitance ever could.

be ready for someone to "stroll right past every do not enter and touch [you] at [your] epicenter"

walls aren't always built to keep danger out and keep the inside safe, sometimes its more of the opposite... and sometimes its just one huge motherfucking mess. xo
Wolf: Teddywolfteddywolf on February 22nd, 2004 10:54 pm (UTC)
No, I don't know what I'm doing here at this hour of the morning...

I just want to tell you about my headspace, when it comes to acquaintances and friends, because it might be useful for you see a bit of how I tick.

In response to your three:
1) I do have expectations. If they are both reasonable and clearly communicated then I do have a right to expect that either the expectation will be met or that the expectation was not met due to extraordinary failure. If the expectations are not met due to regular failure on their part then I re-evaluate and downgrade that friendship. I do not make unreasonable expectations of my friends, nor do I expect that they will be reliable 100% of the time. *I* am not reliable 100% of the time, I just do my best to hit the mark. That is all I ask of them; and I also do cut extra slack.

2) Actions do speak louder than words, but I put actions and words together into a coherent picture. Actions can be easily misinterpreted without any guiding words, or with misguiding words, and I have found this out to my sorrow.

3) I can count on many people, and rely on many people, but the only person I can count on to do things my way every time is myself. I can rely on others some of the time, and some of the time can be enough. Sometimes it's not, and that's when I am not a happy wolf.

Regarding most people, I find that training in cause and effect, on action and reaction, is sadly lacking. Most people actually do have some understanding of it, which is not my plaint; it's more that at least a significant majority of the most seem to only be able to do so to a point and/or have some major blind spots.

That's my two cents, worth everything you paid me for it. *shrug* Of course, given that I like you I'll probably keep giving you my two cents until you tell me to shut up :)
Spam: suitmadbodger on February 23rd, 2004 06:41 am (UTC)
squeaky wheels and drama queens do get the attention
However, that attention is shallow and fleeting -- more of an 'aquaintance' than a friendship or a relationship.

*picks up your eyes and rolls 'em back to you*

A relationship requires all the parties involved to participate, you can't do it without help, even if you expend more energy than everybody put together, it just won't work.

Like teddywolf points out, there a bunch of us who like you and are happy to offer advice.

You could, I suppose, ask one of us out and see what happens.

Musings from the CZ unitcz_unit on February 23rd, 2004 07:32 am (UTC)
Hm.

You stop making the effort when the benefits are outweighted by the costs and there is no sign that things will change the other way. Relationships have their ups and downs, and it's not always a good idea to bail when things go bad in a cycle any more than it is a good idea to do something like agree to get married just because it's on an up cycle.

The question might be where is the baseline? If the baseline is in the negative, then it's time to end things.

As for word and deed and people "proving" themselves... Some do and some don't. Of course it's not always about big material things, but to be honest it's the thought that counts. Thus I tend to give more weight to people who send me pistacio nuts, little cards, visits, babysitting, and the like over people who sit around and make big pronouncements about how things should be and such. Sometimes gestures can be as big as a bouquet of flowers or as simple as a text message or a call in the morning. Those are actions.

Real relationships are few and far between in this world. Plenty of filler types, and they do have their place. But people who care are special. These people should be nurtured and they will nurture you in return. Because in the end, they will be the ones walking with you in the long haul.

Take care sweetie.
Chris
T'ai of the Sidhetaisidhe on February 23rd, 2004 01:20 pm (UTC)
feelings
Over the past few years, my circle of friends has shrunk down. At first, I thought... oh what have I done that all these friends are no longer part of my life...

Then reality hit me... I had done nothing and, more importantly, their drifting out of my life wasn't a bad thing.

Hon, I don't mean to sound pollyanna-ish I tend to do that, so please forgive) but... I have found that when things are not going perfectly, it is usually the Powers That Be (tm) trying to tell me to get my aft in gear.

What are the dreams you haven't tried to fulfill that were put on hold for relationships?

Maybe, you could make a list.

*hugggggs*