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06 July 2004 @ 01:18 am
Why is it?  
Why is is that the mere secondaries in a relationship have so many
responsabilities, obligations, and restrictions in this complex
relationship form, but the other half of the equation doesn't?

Secondaries need to always do/keep track of so many things - must
respect the primary partner from the outset based merely on their
'position' as the other primary and make efforts (greater or lesser)
towards them (at the very least giving them the opportunity to ask
whatever they wish and give them the opportunity to get to know you to
the extent they wish - after all, they have to be comfortable with who
their primary is involved with) even tho that respect and those efforts
may not be reciprocated, be always aware not to step on toes or make
the primary partner unhappy in any way, respect family time, be happy
with (usually very) limited time, fit into the limited room available
in the already existing relationship, understand that they never ever
come first in any instance, understand and accept the
rules/restrictions which the primaries have agreed upon and always
weigh every possibility, action, and request against that, accepting
that there is no spontenaity and that everything must be approved by
other primary and scheduled ahead of time, that shit happens which may
usurp plans at any time, yadda yadda, yadda... All those things and
considerations that come along with being a secondary. Things must
always be viewed in light of 'will this adversley impact or make the
primary unhappy in any way?'. All these things are always taken into
consideration. Secondaries are well aware that they cannot make demands
and are generally disposable - they are not daily life partners. I
think and do all of these things religiously. My first response, even
to something that I would really enjoy, is 'will this be okay with

Why don't those in primary relationships have any reciprocal
responsabilities to their secondaries? Shoudn't they have to in turn
respect their secondaries and make the limited time they do spend
meaningful? I think they need to in turn make an effort to make their
secondaries feel... something? Safe? Cherished? That their time and
effort is valued and respected? That they are more than an occasional
entertainment? That more effort is put into it than when it's just easy
or convenient? That scheduled time should be respected? Or do
secondaries only merit the dregs and just have to understand when
things are treated casually? Don't they have the responsability to
listen to the secondary, even if it's not things they want to hear? Does the extra comsideration only run one way by necessity?

Or is it just that we are lucky to get what we do and sould be satisfied?

This is all predicated on the person in the primary relationship saying
that their secondary relationship is more than something casual (casual
is just dandy, but should be understood that's all it is), that they
want a LTR, that they love their secondary.

Okay, enough stupid, inebriated rambling - time to try to get some

-the redhead-
Bill the bold bosthoonwcg on July 6th, 2004 04:51 am (UTC)
Maybe this has something to do with why I don't really like to think in terms of primary/secondary. I think of partnerships. There's a partner I live with, another who lives near me and whom I spend some time with almost every week, and two who live far away and I only see occassionally.

I am aware of the complicating factors that impinge on the partners I don't live with, but I don't think I take undue advantage of them. Because I have do deal with those complicating factors too. In whatever sense they may be 'secondary' in my life I am also in theirs.
-the redhead-theredhead on July 6th, 2004 08:27 am (UTC)
That's a very good point. Secondary is just secondary - both ways.

Perhaps I need to revamp my perspective on non-primary relationships completely and treat them as such instead of trying to accord all of the same effort, respect, consideration, time and love that I would a primary relationship. Maybe I need to quit trying so hard, and just go with the flow if something is going to interfere or impact a secondary relationship instead of trying so hard to make them feel important and make sure nothing interferes with 'our time'. After all, shit happens for me too and I might have a better offer or something more important to do.

Of course, that would also change who I am and I think what is valuable and appreciated about me.

-the redhead-