February 22nd, 2004

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stupid stupid stupid

I was actually looking forward to being social today and had put it on my calendar so I wouldn't forget and everything. Got dressed, put on makeup(*gasp*), and drove out there at the appointed time.

On the wrong day. The brunch thing was yesterday. I had put it down on the wrong day in my calendar.

*sigh*

Perhaps it's a clue...

-the redhead-
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Endings

Today has been lesson day. Lessons in caring for and feeling obligation toward people in my life when the feeling isn’t reciprocated. Making the time an effort but not being worth the same in return. Lessons in being ‘convenient’. Lessons in endings. Fun fun *sigh*

I look back on my New Year’s resolutions:

- generally people neither mean what they say nor say what they mean. Saying something in the moment is fine, but brass tacks is an entirely different matter. Just realize they are being 'nice' or 'polite' and move on - it's safer.
- if they don't have time for you then don't bother.
- sometimes people's lives just aren't what they think they are or want them to be.
- people need to get their lives in order before they invite others in, and there needs to be actual *room* there for others, not just the wish for room.
- I just need to be more cognizant of what other people really can provide, and set my expectations accordingly.
- the squeaky wheels and the drama queens get the grease and attention


They are all still so true. I think I lose sigh of those truths, those ideas, to my own detriment.

So when should one stop making the effort? When a person has ceased to fulfill any practical definition of ‘friend’ or more (according to their own repeatedly stated desires), when do you call them on it? When do you cease playing the game? Obviously you give them the benefit of the doubt because of their relative importance – but when do you stop? Why is consistency between word and deed so difficult for some people?

Maybe it all goes back to people having to prove themselves.

Why don’t people understand the impact of their actions on others?

I wish I could trade all my acquanitances for a few real relationships. I need to reinforce the walls. Just another thing to put in one of the boxes.

But at least I was fucking civilized and polite about it… *rolls eyes*

-the redhead-

The rules are simple:
#1 No expectations
#2 Actions speak louder than words
#3 You can only count on yourself