-the redhead- (theredhead) wrote,
-the redhead-

The end

In the end I was disappointed that you didn't want to speak to me about any of the communication problems we have had this week. After I got over my complete surprise that you answered the phone (which has never happened and I was not expecting) I was *really* hoping really hard that you would say you wanted to speak to me (like maybe if I provided a little opening you would say something), and was pretty disappointed that you did not. That empty silence didn't seem to hold any promise other than me vainly hoping for something that you didn't want. I thought that if I said anything it would just be talking to myself or just begging because you didn't seem to have anything to say. Just empty air. Since you didn't say you wanted to talk to me, I thought the message route was more what you wanted and a better option. All I can say is that I tried again, as I did earlier this week. As such, I have left you a couple of messages on your cell phone.

I am also disappointed in myself that I could not express sufficiently or appropriately how important it was to me for us to really talk 'live'. As I said all week, I do take responsibility for may lack of ability to communicate effectively. But at least I tried and tried to communicate and reassure you, both on the phone and in email - that cannot be taken away from me. Yes, I did dump you into my email filter - because I knew you would just keep sending me words on a screen and I wanted you to *call* me. I thought maybe if you couldn't just leave more words you would really understand I wanted to speak with you. You may not have appreciated how I did it, but you had just sent me another email, instead of even leaving me even a voicemail with a little personal touch, after I had said very clearly and directly that I didn't want more words. Even just a voicemail asking about the time would have given me hope that you were going to at least try to talk to me.

You telling me on one hand that you would only make 2 hours max for an important conversation and then not making time in your schedule after all made me feel worthless (yes, my schedule was happening too, but I’ve left that out as irrelevant because I was looking for you to say you were even *going* to make time, and yes after being basically told on Monday and Thursday that I wasn’t really worth it after all that I tired to clear things up and getting yelled at in person nd by email I was getting a little snippy too). But then you sending me an email saying that you still wanted to see me (even though you wouldn’t commit to *talking* to me) made it seem like it was just about sex. Like using 17 condoms in a weekend is some notch to put on your belt, but it was too much trouble to talk to me.

I also realize now that I misunderstood what you meant when you said you 'loved' me. No doubt wishful thinking on my part. I now understand that it was unfair of me to invest the degree of emotion and effort into loving you over the years that I did and blindly not recognizing that it meant something different to you. It was unfair of me to put that burden on you, as it seems not what you wanted. I thought things were different when we talked about trying to expand our relationship in the future and I was honestly trying so hard to get a job in DC. It seems to be another problem with communication - I should have asked for far more clarification whenever you said you 'loved' me. But I also think you bear some responsibility for being more clear as well, especially when you could obviously see I was minusderstanding what you meant by that in such a big way.

I'm disappointed it has ended this way, without any personal interaction. I understand that you prefer words on a screen, but I do honestly feel that it's a lame ending to something that was worth more. I did value our relationship greatly, it meant a lot to me as I think you know, which is why I was trying *so* hard to get you to talk to me on the phone. I had given you the effort of over 3000 words during the week in your preferred communication format because I thought that woul dhelp or work better or something, and just wanted a little bit of a human, caring touch in return. Maybe that is a weakness.

I honestly do think I am worth some time, but I can see that didn't make your priority list - at least not that you said to me. I do hope that you realize people are human, with human failings, who sometimes try real hard but dont always succeed, and that they don't always just fit into little 2 hour boxes. People who love you are rare and sometimes you have to give them a chance. Can you honestly say that after you fell in love with her you would have treated Alex the same - have blasted her and let her go days without speaking to her and without any sort of indication you *would* be speaking to her anytime? You would not have even called her up? You’ve said that you wanted a real relationship instead of a Barbie doll well sometimes things like this happen in real relationships, people are disappointed in real relationships, and effort is required from both sides in real relationships.

Perhaps my failing is admitting that I was a little disappointed - because my idea of heaven was to go on a trip with you for a few days. That was such a special thought I was absolutely stunned when you first mentioned it.

>>That says to me "Nope CZ, that is not good enough. You lose".

>I did *NOT* say that! You are attributing something to me that isn't even close, that did >not come out of my mouth, and that I was not thinking.

No, I never said that and obviously a week of trying to convince you differently hasn’t done any good. Maybe someday you will be able to look back through all those emails I sent this week and think about what I said on the phone on Thursday and see that I was trying really hard. And that I meant what I said. It's funny - Renne (who was evesdropping even as I whispered) asked me after our conversation why I bothered talking to peopke who don't believe me?

I would ask that you not portray me to others as you did Laurie in the past, and am a little disturbed that you said something to Melanie. I have not done *any* of the things Laurie did, I have not said *any* of those things to you, and I have *not* treated you as she did - my failing is trying to hard and admitting my mistake on Monday.

So here it ends, with another 1000 words on a screen. Not even a phone call or a personal response from you. Just avoided and dumped.

I’ll keep your last email about this week in my wallet, next to the one from BritBoy.
Tags: chris
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