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19 December 2004 @ 01:03 pm
More thoughts from the past  
Got to be tougher

I've just got to be tougher. That's all there is to it, as life is what it is.

Mentally tougher, physically tougher. I shouldn't need things and I shouldn't need people. Perhaps if I start walking again greater mental toughness will result from better physical toughness. Going out in the cold won't hurt me. Maybe buy a tape and do a couple of hours of Pilates every evening will help as well. I have lost weight again - I should capitalize on that.

15 months ago, silly girl that I was, I thought that I would end up with a new and better life once I got divorced. I was wrong. At least then the daily rash of bullshit and negativity came with the knowledge that someone would at least come get me if my car broke down and I was stuck standing in the snow. Life isn't really any different now. I just have to do it by myself now. And don't even have a dog to play with or get a kiss from.

I'm tired of everything I touch blowing up. I'm tired of not being treated well. I'm tired of being alone all the damned time. I'm tired of being an after thought. I'm tired of fucking everything up. I'm tired of being hit with the stick.

I'm just tired.

*whine whine whine*

I'm working harder on showing no weakness, as for some reason people want to talk about that. Investigate it. Root around in it. Poke at it. Examine the weaknesses in detail. But do nothing to help or make it better or whatever. Like I don't know I'm weak, that I'm lacking? Perhaps it's like watching a train wreck for them - fascinating to watch and talk about even though no one is going to do anything. But all poking at it does is make me think about it. Yanno, if you aren't going to help somehow then I don't need to be reminded. It just makes it that much more difficult to keep everything in the little boxes and erect the walls.

Tougher. More practical. Less needy. More capable and competent. All things to work on.

-the redhead-
...Ice Princess...