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25 February 2005 @ 07:36 am
The cold and snow are appropriate today  
Well, it's over. Not necessarily something I wanted to deal with after 2 hours of sleep and being awake for all of 15 minutes, but not my choice. Not the result I wanted at all. Maybe it's good that I really wasn't awake or coherent, as perhaps it hurt les. At least at the moment...

Silly me, I had been up most of the night trying to figure out how my thinking was wrong and what I could do differently. Better. How to reduce my needs and desires. How to be happy with fitting into a very small box, only to be taken out on occasion. How to take pressure away and make things more even. Heh... Wasted effort, it seems.

Funny how people want something, but really can't make room for it in the end. But you know, I cannot reconcile other people's lives, no matter how much I'd like to help. Somehow I'm still left with the feeling that it's my fault becuase I was not good enough somehow. I didn't try hard enough. I wasn't flexible enough. That the options I could come up with, which seemed the best fit for the situation at hand, weren't good enough. I failed. *sigh*

Oh well, guess that in the end I wasn't what was wanted. or what fit, or was convenient or whatever. So at 7:30 am, alone and in a city far from home, I was dumped. Ah well, I suppose I should chalk it up to another one of those pricey learning experiences. Stuck here for another day, as it would cost even more to get home tomorrow. Not to mention the stupid hotel will charge me for the room anyway, becuase that's 'their policy' *sigh* At least they brought me clean towels...

So, I put on my pretty face and my professonal attire and head off for another 9 hours of being pleasant and helpful and dealing with our customers.

Smile!!

-the redhead-
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-the redhead-theredhead on February 25th, 2005 05:24 pm (UTC)
This is the sort of thing that causes me to try to be emotionally impenetrable - it's safer, yanno?

-the redhead-
Bill the bold bosthoonwcg on February 25th, 2005 06:05 pm (UTC)
I do. But do you think that made any difference in your level of personal heartache? I'm not criticizing, far from it, but I am wondering how you feel right now.
-the redhead-theredhead on February 26th, 2005 04:33 pm (UTC)
I think my choice of 'impenetrable' was not... right. Not what I meant *sigh* I misspoke, as it were. There's a difference between totally impenetrable and emotionally vulnerable, both of which I try not to be. I did let someone into my life (not impenetrable). But I also try to protect myself from hurt (not emotionally vulnerable).

Yes, I did care a great deal. Yes, it *is* disappointing. Frankly, it sucks on many levels. I did try to convey my thoughts and *ask* (yes, asking - as in this is something I've come up with, what do you think?), but that didn't work. Yes, it does hurt.

But I do not let this blow a crater in my life either. I do spend a bit of time talking about it, trying to understand it, as it is an 'event' in my life. I do try to understand the situation, what happened, and what people were thinking, if for nothing other than more knowledge on what to expect and how to handle similar things in the future. That learning thing.

But now I put all of this in a little box and lock it away, as life goes on and, as always, I must make my way. I move on to the things in my life which continue, and I try really hard not to dwell. I focus on things that I can do something about and try to keep my eye on the horizon. Life is long term, and I think should be dealt with that way. I do little things like make arrangements to get to the airport tomorrow. Details which still need to be addressed. I do bigger things like speaking with the our General Manager yesterday about some ideas to contribute to and improve a situation in the company (and I was pleased that he thought I was showing initiative and gave me permission to pilot some of my ideas wrt our international components).

I do not cry or wallow in misery - it's not productive and there's no one to 'lean' on anyway. One must be practical.

I'm fine - I always have to be and am.

And apparently I ramble a bit ;)

-the redhead-
Bill the bold bosthoonwcg on February 26th, 2005 06:08 pm (UTC)
All in all you seem to be taking a very sensible approach to this. As someone who chooses to be composed and reserved in my interactions with the world, what you're saying above makes complete good sense.

I think that if I were in your current situation I'd be doing a lot of the same things you're doing. Whether the heartache would be the same is hard to say. I somehow doubt that heartache is fungible. But regardless of that, it's pretty evident to me that you're feeling heartache and my own heart goes out to you in this difficult time.