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25 February 2005 @ 07:36 am
The cold and snow are appropriate today  
Well, it's over. Not necessarily something I wanted to deal with after 2 hours of sleep and being awake for all of 15 minutes, but not my choice. Not the result I wanted at all. Maybe it's good that I really wasn't awake or coherent, as perhaps it hurt les. At least at the moment...

Silly me, I had been up most of the night trying to figure out how my thinking was wrong and what I could do differently. Better. How to reduce my needs and desires. How to be happy with fitting into a very small box, only to be taken out on occasion. How to take pressure away and make things more even. Heh... Wasted effort, it seems.

Funny how people want something, but really can't make room for it in the end. But you know, I cannot reconcile other people's lives, no matter how much I'd like to help. Somehow I'm still left with the feeling that it's my fault becuase I was not good enough somehow. I didn't try hard enough. I wasn't flexible enough. That the options I could come up with, which seemed the best fit for the situation at hand, weren't good enough. I failed. *sigh*

Oh well, guess that in the end I wasn't what was wanted. or what fit, or was convenient or whatever. So at 7:30 am, alone and in a city far from home, I was dumped. Ah well, I suppose I should chalk it up to another one of those pricey learning experiences. Stuck here for another day, as it would cost even more to get home tomorrow. Not to mention the stupid hotel will charge me for the room anyway, becuase that's 'their policy' *sigh* At least they brought me clean towels...

So, I put on my pretty face and my professonal attire and head off for another 9 hours of being pleasant and helpful and dealing with our customers.


-the redhead-
Bill the bold bosthoonwcg on February 25th, 2005 06:24 pm (UTC)
Doubt I can make it for dinner, and I really wish I could. Perhaps some other time?

As for that math problem you posit above, I think it is soluble only in some closed set that is purely theoretical and has little relationship to reality (but perhaps quite a lot to wishful thinking).

Looking at it from the position of a poly man, I can understand the wishful thinking. You're a beautiful and intelligent woman, and a man with ethics might think that it'd be boorish to proposition you for a casual liaison. If he could somehow convince himself that he could offer you love, in whatever small amounts, then he might be able to reconcile his desire for you with his ethics. Of course that doesn't change the reality of the situation, and the two of you still only have a very small amount of time together, but he can consider himself virtuous for loving you.
-the redhead-theredhead on February 26th, 2005 06:02 am (UTC)
But are they really 'poly' if they cannot or won't (due to the more important aforementioned obligations) make the time for what they say they want?

I mean, if one wishes to have a relationship that is more than casual-when-time-permits, then isn't it reasonable to be willing to give that in return?

Yes, life happens, Yes, things get disrupted. Yes, people have lives and obligations. Yes, it even snows a bit and ruins plans - which we get disappointed about and maybe bitch a little bit.

But if you want something, then don't you commit to it? Things work both ways, yes? So how does it work that I was talking about and *asking* (yes, asking - as in this is something I've come up with, what do you think?) about 'leveling' things, taking pressure off and lowering expectations, but that's 'not good enough'? BTW - it was not phrased in terms of just a casual, one time liaison, but rather as a method of 'fixing' the relationship to more closely align with the reality of what they could offer. That I had spent a great deal of time thinking about and trying to get conceptually comfortable with. Ironic, no?

One thing I thought of today is that it's not the extraordinary, big things that make up 'real' relationship, but rather the mundane, every day sorts of things.

-the redhead-
Bill the bold bosthoonwcg on February 26th, 2005 06:51 am (UTC)
As far as "really poly" goes, I tend to take a big tent approach to peoples' choices to call themselves poly. If they tell me that they're poly, I accept that they are, by whatever they define that to be. But I don't get involved with someone who's told me she's poly unless I've had a pretty good opportunity to make sure her definition and mine coincide.

With respect to your question about resprocity: if one wishes to have a relationship that is more than casual-when-time-permits, then isn't it reasonable to be willing to give that in return?

Yes, of course it is. I think that in any peer relationship it's reasonable to expect resprocity. It doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. It can be anything where the two partners come to the relationship as equals. So yes, it's reasonable to expect that if someone wants something, they're willing to commit to providing it too.

it's not the extraordinary, big things that make up 'real' relationship, but rather the mundane, every day sorts of things.

So very true. The extraordinary things are icing on the cake, but it's the little things that you each put into the relationship that really add up.

So anyhow, I hope dinner went well. Try to enjoy your time in the area if you're going to be here tomorrow. There's a lot to see.
-the redhead-theredhead on February 26th, 2005 04:38 pm (UTC)
Ah yes - making sure that definitions coincide. *Very* good point. Thank you for giving me something to think about. While poly as a whole may mean nothing more than 'loving more than one' (in which case I think the great majority are poly), the trick is how you act on it with each individual. Or maybe better to say in each individual situation.

Reciprocity, and all the nuances there of (for it will never be the same for any 2 people) is an important point. Another thing for me to think on.


-the redhead-