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05 March 2003 @ 08:26 pm
On being a friend and other things  
Had a couple of interesting conversations today.

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One of them with my new roommate was on being (becoming) a friend.

Generally this is considered to be a good thing. Friends are... goodness. Some might say necessary. People to share things with - time, fun, cares, worries, beers, etc...

But when is enough enough? Why can 'a good thing' become so damned frustrating? Is it wrong to not want to bother with it when you really want more? Are their times when it's reasonable to not want to put the time and effort into making yet more friends (of whatever sex you are attracted to)? What do you do when you become permanently relegated to the box marked 'Friend Only'? Is there a fucking sign on my forehead that everyone but me can see? *grumble*

Well, at least I'm not the only person who grinds my teeth over the situation. I wonder if it's better to be everyone's big/little sister rather than 'the guy women cry on'. Maybe I do have a leg up on Rusty....

Food for thought...

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The difference between real friends and friends of convenience is a whole 'nother interior debate.

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Word usage. Properly interpreting intent. Average folks versus the intellectual elite. Concurrence encompassing specificity and wide-ranging meaning at the same instant versus commonly accepted translation. Intended Meaning versus Face Value.

The meaning of a word changes based simply on who speaks it. The nuance in intent of a single word can change the universe.

See, asking for clarification is a good thing. Possibilities and probabilities are just that until you open the lid - only then do you know the state of the cat.

-the redhead-

Advice for the day - 'You shouldn't torture an old broad that way. It's dangerous.'
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Neverneverireven on March 6th, 2003 07:10 am (UTC)
When I started college, and my parents and grandparents kept constantly asking me if I'd made "Lots of new friends from other states yet?" I remember feeling really guilty that I hadn't, that I'd barely talked to anybody on my floor, and that I mostly still just hung out with my friends from highschool, and their friends, and their friends' friends' friends', and people I met through them... "God, I'm so pathetic and shy," I thought, "I haven't even *tried* making a single new friend at CU."

Then one day I suddenly realized, "Wait a minute! I already have dozens of friends, and hell, I have made new friends this year...I just haven't made them by *trying* to make friends, I've made them because I happened to meet them and they're interesting enough that I want to make an effort to get to know them. Nobody in this damn building or in any of my classes is similarly interesting...so why the hell should I bother? Why should I make an effort to talk to people in elevators, get into incredibly awkward conversations with people with whom I have no connection, meet people on my floor in whom I have absolutely no interest, and expend all sorts of and awkward energy on relationships that may not even pan out, just for the sake of "Making new friends"? I mean damn, I've already got so many friends I don't know what to do with them...Is there some rule that says I have to constantly be on the hunt for new blood? Can't I just be content with the people I have, because I like them, and if someone else happens to come along who I happen to want as a friend because they're a cool person, then I'll put in the energy."

An lo, I became an anti-social hermit who hid in her room and never talked to anybody and doesn't know a single person in her major. But who's never at a loss for at least four different things to do on any given Friday night, and who still had something like 70 friends at her last birthday party...So y'know what? I think that's okay. When I meet new people in the future who intrigue me, then I'll be happy to expend the energy. But in the meantime, I'm not going to lament my shy and pathetic nature because I haven't "met lots of new people in my classes this year!"

Aaaand...I don't think any of that was really what you were talking about at all. :op

But if it helps...I've always been one of those people who says, "Yeah, I'd rather be friends with my partners first, get to know them, and then get together." And theoretically, I would. But in actual practice, all my best and most functional relationships have been the ones where we went from "friendly acquaintance" to "romantically/physically involved" almost immediately, and skipped the "becoming good friends" middleman. I think if that dynamic is a natural one between you and the person, it's going to be there from the very beginning...Although, some of my closest friends are people who I started out in a sexual relationship with, and that element faded out to just Plain Ol' Good Friendship/ Brother-Sister type relationship. Maybe I just do it backwards. ;)

And maybe I write incredibly overlong comments when I should be home doing work. :\
-the redhead-theredhead on March 6th, 2003 07:29 am (UTC)
And maybe I write incredibly overlong comments when I should be home doing work. :\

No no - this *is* the rambling place. Haven't you noticed? *grin*

I dunno, I was just mostly whinging. Having friends (and being worthy of such) is a good thing.

But if *one* more person I have an interest in calls me and wants me to play big sister and help with their relationship problems I Am Going To Scream.

Or if I hear 'you're such a great friend, I can tell you anything'.

*sigh* It's just been a week for it.

Wankers...

-the redhead-

...apparently makes people feel 'safe and protected'... *snort*
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.melanie on March 6th, 2003 11:13 am (UTC)
i have this uncle. he's got an IQ above 200, a consistently mellow and easygoing, nonjudgemental personality with a great sense of humor, he's a fucking millionaire who jetsets all over the world on a yacht *for a living*, he's in awesome physical shape and has the most stunning blue eyes i've ever encountered on a man. but he's chronically Just A Friend. always has been. it drove him crazy, it drove all of us crazy. Why?!?

this is just a nod. there is no answer, no happy ending to that story. he married a shrew who lives on $100 a bottle wine and not much else. he deserved a goddess.

that wasn't helpful at all, was it. :(

*pats* (you're very pretty and bright and stuff. that should count for a lot)