-the redhead- (theredhead) wrote,
-the redhead-

The past & present

I remember how it was when my dad died. Over 14 years ago now. It was a tough time, especially with Mom being so sick in the hospital at the time of his death. I had a lot of responsibilities – getting everyone in town, being in charge of my father’s body/the funeral/burial/logistics, getting baby brother back from college, making sure that everyone had appropriate accommodations, dealing with the VA, and a million other things. Everyone was busy wanting and needing and demanding things. I slept on the couch for that week because a certain, more distant family member threw a fit.

One of the hardest things was being dumped at the time. I had been dating a guy for a bit over 7 months. He lived in another city, to which I had traveled fairly often to see him (a couple hour trip for the weekend is not an unusual in the SCA, but a regular occurrence). Indeed, I had gone to be with him when his younger cousin had committed suicide. He had been to see me as well, all in addition to the weekends where we were at events. We had been ‘officially going out’ for months.

I remember calling him from my Mom’s place for the first time, just wanting some assurance. I’d been alone there dealing with everything, organizing everything, notifying everyone for a couple of days, and probably hadn’t slept at all. It seemed he didn’t have the time. That had never been a problem before and he had certainly had the time when upset about his cousin, but whatever. Maybe there was a meeting or something. Can we talk tonight? No, as he was going out with friends. ?!? In hindsight I think that ‘My girlfriend’s dad just died, I need to (at least) talk to her’ isn’t unreasonable, but was too distraught to see the blow coming. At the time I figured that I was in a bit of a state and was being too needy or whatever. And I was tired and didn’t need to be wasting my energy on that convo, so I asked him to please call me tomorrow. Ok, great. The next evening rolls around, he calls. I ask if he can come for the weekend, as I could have used someone who cared to lean on a bit. This is my boyfriend, right? No, he had more important things to do. An SCA event. Yeah, I got worked up at that point. His response was as a matter of fact, he thinks that this isn’t working and he won’t be able to see me anymore.

I won’t do the same. I suspect the next 3-4 months won’t provide me with anything I need or want, but I will still be supportive and do what I can to help. Make sure and keep up contact and cards and such. I just need to avoid overextending myself and remember that saying ‘No’ is okay. And not bother anyone with mourning what might have been. This month was a crucial time, but now that’s been put on hold.

-the redhead-
Tags: musings
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