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13 April 2003 @ 10:26 pm
No more...  

Yes, I know there are no guarantees in life. I'm a practical sort of person I think. But obviously not practical enough, it seems.

No more 'adventures' for me. I think my predilection for wanting to have control over situations is... a form of self-reliance? a protective mechanism? a good thing? a bad thing? Maybe it just is. I need to pay more attention to that part of me. It's there for a *reason*.

People accuse me of being guarded. Of not letting people in. Arms length. Aloof. Cynical. The Ice Princess. Alla that kind of stuff. The problems come when I forget. When I become too trusting. When I'm stupid enough to finally let people in, to give them a piece of me. To trust them. Because it seems to always end badly for me. But people cannot hurt you if you do not give them the ability to do so. Gods know why I'm stupid enough to place myself at the mercy of others anymore - you would think I woulda learned that by now. So the take home lesson is if you don't *care* then it won't matter what happens in the end. It won't hurt.

I think it's okay to be selfish. To want things for *me*. I'm important too? It seems, however, that the universe has an altogether different idea of how things should go *sigh* Yeah yeah, I know 'The which does not kill us makes us stronger'. *snort* I've already been dead once, I don't need more character or 'learning experiences' thankyouverymuch.

Yes, shit happens. Yes, people have bad days. But there's a limit, yanno? I'm just tired of being the one who has to suffer the consequences.

Also, I need to stick to my guns better instead of thinking that things will 'be okay'. Is it really all that outrageous to ask for one simple thing and get it? Yes, it would have required an effort on their part. But silly me thought that past history and reassurances that 'Oh, that's already covered' was good enough. Not even close, as it turns out. Much more like handing out baseball bats and paying for the privilege of being beaten, in the end.

Maybe I need a gatekeeper of some sort. To protect me from myself, perhaps? Or at least to protect me from my own impractical flights of fancy. The ones where I think things are going to be okay somehow, or turn out nicely or something.

Faith is... impractical. And trust is just an exercise in pain.

I'm just tired of getting a swift kick in the teeth in return for my efforts. Over and over and over...

-the redhead-
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.melanie on April 14th, 2003 06:09 am (UTC)
things you don't want to hear.
"Faith is... impractical. And trust is just an exercise in pain."

yeah, but.

with great effort comes great reward. and, as the Girls say:

”it was a calling that said if joy then pain
the sound of the voice these years later
is still the same.”

i think there is a place you can reach where having faith and bestowing trust doesn't preclude remembering that it's still just a fallible old human, anyway. it's skydiving, with a pack someone else has prepared. being the passenger in a car. eating food prepared by other hands. it's impossible to avoid the fallible humans. it's impossible not to BE an infallible human. you've been worthy of chances. you've blown it sometimes, i'm sure, but you're still worthy of chances. there must be some others like that, somewhere.

(go ahead, light into me.)
Princesswolfprincess on April 14th, 2003 11:40 am (UTC)
I'm sure I'm missing the full story here...There has to me more than the bits in your posts...I do feel for you
"But people cannot hurt you if you do not give them the ability to do so." They also can't love you fully if you don't take a few chances and let people in.
If you'ld like to talk you can IM me my contact info is on my profile.
I'm sure this won't be much help but if you sing like your in the shower, dance like no one is watching, and love like you've never been hurt....you will get hurt and probably laughed at but what a good time you will have while it lasts....I hope it all works out for you....
-the redhead-theredhead on April 14th, 2003 12:24 pm (UTC)
They also can't love you fully if you don't take a few chances and let people in.

Yes, people tell me that more than occasionally for some reason. Unfortunately it just doesn't seem to work for one reason or another. The costs have far outweighed the benefits as of late.

-the redhead-
Ko'Shall Viperkoshall on April 14th, 2003 02:43 pm (UTC)

The costs outweight the benifits in some situations, and admittedly, those were the really painful ones...

I'll be the first to admit that you've had a string of bad luck in romantic situations. That being said though, what about the successes you've had in other areas of your life? What about the great friendships you've made with other people by letting them in?

Your life isn't all horrid mishaps, and costs rather then benifits... even if the romantic side of your life has had more then it's fair share.

*hugs tight*

I'll always be here for you, and I'll be calling you tonight. You're always more then welcome to call me as well you know.
-the redhead-theredhead on April 25th, 2003 07:33 am (UTC)
Yanno Vips, for all of the words and assurances to the contrary before, during, and in the meantime, I was right at the time. 100% keeerekt. The pretty words didn't really mean a lot, in the end. A note *was* required. I shouldn't have believed.

I think you aren't the people you think you are.

No no, it was just XYZ.

I hate it when I get caught in other people not communicating. Sometimes I hate being right *sigh*

So I've gotten caught in that lack of communication (which I think is a pretty damned big deal, actually. But others don't seem to think so... Go figure. Heh - get this - *I* overreacted? Tell me how being confused and hurt are that...), I've gotten caught in other's hope and dreams (don't they realize that it's fine to have them, but when they express them that way it gives false information and hope?), dragged thru the mud and embroiled in the associated drama (and demonstrated great restraint, I think), and also caught in stupid-assed computer crap (which lead to very valid assumptions and subsequent actions based on the evidence, but those aren't being given their due either. It's like, you made an incorrect assumption so thing things you said and did based on that don't count. But if *you* need blah blah blah) as well. Fun fun *sigh* Just call me Jude.

The other thing that gets me is only the negative stuff showed up where others could see *sigh* Why?? Well, I guess a little extra mud doesn't make a difference at this point...

Sometime when you're bored I'll send you all the words to look at.

Smack me on the head the next time I look like I'm not listening to my instincts, 'kay?

-the redhead-
Ko'Shall Viperkoshall on April 27th, 2003 09:10 pm (UTC)

*sighs and hugs tight*

I'll agree to smack you on the head when you're not listening to your instincts so long as you do the same for me... I knew this house was a bad idea after about the 4th month of fighting with the mortage company. Somehow it still happened, and it's been going downhill ever since. I knew we shouldn't have moved in here.

Relationships aren't the only places you and I make that particular mistake, eh?


No love, you didn't overreact. You reacted with what you were given, which was a bloody nasty bad rap. You deserve better then that. As usual though, you didn't get it...


I don't honestly know why it keeps happening either. You're not doing anything wrong, not that I can see anyway... except maybe for falling for exacty the wrong people. You do seem to have a talent for picking em... *smirks*

Anyway, that's a completly different matter. In this matter, you did the right thing, and you wanted the right things to begin with. You did this right, and from now on, you'll do it right the next time in spite of other people trying to tell you that you don't have to. If they are so sure that you don't need to do it your way, then they probally aren't sure enough that they care about you. It's a very small request from someone as wonderful as you. If they aren't willing, then you can do better.

And if I can ever get you to crawl out of your cave again, you will do better.
-the redhead-theredhead on April 27th, 2003 09:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you for defending me when I needed it.


-the redhead-
-the redhead-theredhead on April 28th, 2003 07:11 am (UTC)
I've arranged for a gatekeeper. Krysta is as good at ferreting out people's motivations and honesty and headspace as I am - I just cannot do it for myself.

Perhaps this will help.

-the redhead-