-the redhead- (theredhead) wrote,
-the redhead-

No more...

Yes, I know there are no guarantees in life. I'm a practical sort of person I think. But obviously not practical enough, it seems.

No more 'adventures' for me. I think my predilection for wanting to have control over situations is... a form of self-reliance? a protective mechanism? a good thing? a bad thing? Maybe it just is. I need to pay more attention to that part of me. It's there for a *reason*.

People accuse me of being guarded. Of not letting people in. Arms length. Aloof. Cynical. The Ice Princess. Alla that kind of stuff. The problems come when I forget. When I become too trusting. When I'm stupid enough to finally let people in, to give them a piece of me. To trust them. Because it seems to always end badly for me. But people cannot hurt you if you do not give them the ability to do so. Gods know why I'm stupid enough to place myself at the mercy of others anymore - you would think I woulda learned that by now. So the take home lesson is if you don't *care* then it won't matter what happens in the end. It won't hurt.

I think it's okay to be selfish. To want things for *me*. I'm important too? It seems, however, that the universe has an altogether different idea of how things should go *sigh* Yeah yeah, I know 'The which does not kill us makes us stronger'. *snort* I've already been dead once, I don't need more character or 'learning experiences' thankyouverymuch.

Yes, shit happens. Yes, people have bad days. But there's a limit, yanno? I'm just tired of being the one who has to suffer the consequences.

Also, I need to stick to my guns better instead of thinking that things will 'be okay'. Is it really all that outrageous to ask for one simple thing and get it? Yes, it would have required an effort on their part. But silly me thought that past history and reassurances that 'Oh, that's already covered' was good enough. Not even close, as it turns out. Much more like handing out baseball bats and paying for the privilege of being beaten, in the end.

Maybe I need a gatekeeper of some sort. To protect me from myself, perhaps? Or at least to protect me from my own impractical flights of fancy. The ones where I think things are going to be okay somehow, or turn out nicely or something.

Faith is... impractical. And trust is just an exercise in pain.

I'm just tired of getting a swift kick in the teeth in return for my efforts. Over and over and over...

-the redhead-
Tags: chris
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