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27 December 2002 @ 06:03 pm
Things *I* need to know...  
...about me.



Things I need to know about me

1. There are days when I wish I just looked like everyone else – lots of days.
2. That usually goes along with the days I wish I weren’t a redhead.
3. I’ve never outgrown being the ugly kid.
4. I’m a romantic. It’s a dangerous thing. This needs to stay locked up in one of the little boxes in my head.
5. I can be far too analytical.
6. I can be emotional, but that lives in a little box too. Maybe it’s okay to let it out once in awhile
7. I need to remember to eat – and eat better things when I do.
8. I shouldn’t weigh less than 130 lbs. I begin to look like a scarecrow then.
9. I should not be so polite all the time.
10. I need to stop being the helper/protector all the time.
11. My fear, anger, and stress come out when I sleep – need a new biteplate now. There has to be something to do about this.
12. I am incredibly shy.
13. I need to be less conservative. Fun is goodness.
14. There’s nothing wrong with being intelligent.
15. Need to work on the trust thing.
16. It’s okay to write poetry when you’re not drunk too.
17. I wish I could be one of those cute, bubbly girls
18. I was really really flattered when that pretty blonde model gal hit on me at Pennsic. And a little regretful I had to go model and didn’t get a chance to do anything about it
19. It’s okay to be important.
20. It’s okay to make people stick to your plans instead of being polite and giving in.
21. Should try dating people more casually. Hmmm, that doesn’t sound right. *grumble*
22. I need to lower the bar for people I will date. It’s too restrictive.
23. Falling in love with people is questionable. But maybe it’s okay?
24. Not everyone will punish you.
25. Even old dogs can learn new tricks – if you smack them on the nose enough with a stick. This can be a good thing and this can be a bad thing.
26. I should be less reserved – which is really just a function of being shy anyways
27. I really am worth at least the dollar for a phone call… And more than just a paycheck too.
28. If people don’t have time for you or cannot make the effort, then they just are not worth it
29. I’ve been accused of being ‘reserved’, ‘elegant’, ‘mysterious’, and ‘intimidating’ lately. And then people seem all surprised that I’m not when they get to know me. What’s up with that?
30. I worry a lot that I’m letting people down. Why?
31. Walls are good, but there should be doors. Heavily fortified doors, but still…

bleh

What else do I need to know about me?
Tags:
 
 
 
Ko'Shall Viperkoshall on December 28th, 2002 05:15 am (UTC)

Ok, going to answer a few of the numbers, and then add one of my own.

#7, I need to join you on that one...

#18, You haven't told me about this one, it's my turn to beg for details now... *grins*

#21, Actually, that sounds exactly right. Dating is dating, sex is sex, and serious relationships are some other category entirely. You need to have some fun for yourself, and no one else, at least for a while.

#23, I think it's ok... then again I'd better, I do entirely too much of it...

#27, Yay!!!! *does the dance of joy*

#29, Your first impression that you give others, is quite a bit different from what people get to know as they learn more about you. Your "mask" (since we've been on the subject recently) is almost diametrically opposed to who you really are in some ways.

#30, You're human. For that matter, you're a good human. Show me someone who doesn't care about that at least a little bit, and I'll show you an asshole who isn't worth my time.

#31, *smiles* Exactly...

Now for my addition...

Remember that at all points in time, someone cares about you, and wants only the best for you. There is no exception to this.
-the redhead-theredhead on December 28th, 2002 11:56 am (UTC)
#7, I need to join you on that one...

People have started feeding me again - that's always a sign...

#18, You haven't told me about this one, it's my turn to beg for details now... *grins*

Oh, I'm sure I told you about this, hmmm? It's a conversation thing not a post thing, at any rate. Requires nuance.

#21, Actually, that sounds exactly right. Dating is dating, sex is sex, and serious relationships are some other category entirely. You need to have some fun for yourself, and no one else, at least for a while.

*grinds teeth* You know I'm not good at any of this. I don't even think I know what 'dating' is, really. I'm the ugly duckling, remember?

Went to ABQ, had people express that I'd make a great toy for the evening. Had more than a bit of 'If I weren't (insert appropriate term for their flavor of taken is)' - what the hell is up with that anyways?? Like the lack of possibility gives them the freedom to... dunno *sigh*

As for sex just for the sake of sex... *shrug* I've never done that.

How to people so easily and neatly separate these things anyways?

#23, I think it's ok... then again I'd better, I do entirely too much of it...

I dunno that you do too much of it, really. Unless there are things you haven't told me. And you are better at it than I am. Speaking of which - how goes it with Amber? I'm happy that you got to have such a nice holiday *smile* You deserve it, that's for sure *nod*. I know that she's made you happy, which is a Good Thing (tm). I would still like to get to know more about her tho. I've tried to engage her, but with little success :/ Like I said, she seems nice enough and all :)

I do know that it's a dangerous thing to do. I think I'd rather go skydiving or somesuch. I mean, I realize that it *shouldn't* get me punished everytime, but it's hard to have faith based on recent (and not so recent) experience - BritBoy, Tim, etc.

#27, Yay!!!! *does the dance of joy*

You're so funny! *grin*

#29, Your first impression that you give others, is quite a bit different from what people get to know as they learn more about you. Your "mask" (since we've been on the subject recently) is almost diametrically opposed to who you really are in some ways.

Really? How so? I have a sense of humor and everything. I even smile occasionally too.

#30, You're human. For that matter, you're a good human. Show me someone who doesn't care about that at least a little bit, and I'll show you an asshole who isn't worth my time.

Yes, but is it worth it? See #28

#31, *smiles* Exactly...

Too bad no one has figured out the password - which is *not* telling me I'd be a 'nice toy'.

Now for my addition...

Remember that at all points in time, someone cares about you, and wants only the best for you. There is no exception to this.


I know this sometimes.

-the redhead-

...watching Top Gun - maybe I should just try the arrogant route...
Ko'Shall Viperkoshall on December 28th, 2002 09:21 pm (UTC)

"*grinds teeth* You know I'm not good at any of this. I don't even think I know what 'dating' is, really. I'm the ugly duckling, remember?"

I understand where that comes from, but I don't quite get why it's still sticking around. Take any of the last three or four pictures you've made of yourself and then try to find someone who doesn't think you're amazingly beautiful. I don't think you're going to find them.

"Went to ABQ, had people express that I'd make a great toy for the evening. Had more than a bit of 'If I weren't (insert appropriate term for their flavor of taken is)' - what the hell is up with that anyways?? Like the lack of possibility gives them the freedom to... dunno *sigh*"

People are fucking weird. You're right though, the lack of possibility does loosen quite a few people's tongues. It's just something weird that a hell of a lot of people do.

"How to people so easily and neatly separate these things anyways?"

There is nothing easy or neat about it, but I can see why it seems that way sometimes... in my case, it's a difference of what some people are capable of, and what some aren't. I allow myself to enjoy what people are willing and able to give, and don't hold against them anything that they aren't capable or willing to. That's all you can do really... give of yourself what you can and want to, and just let other people do the same. The problems arise when you start to expect things from other people, and then they fail to meet your expectations.

Expectating things from people you're planning on spending your life with is one thing, serious relationships and such, but just meeting someone, all expectations have to get ditched, and you just evaluate what plesant surprises they decided to give you, and if they are worth spending more of your time with or not after that.

We'll get into more description of #23 later... that's some long stories... lol

"Really? How so? I have a sense of humor and everything. I even smile occasionally too."

Yea, but even though you still keep your sence of humor and ability to smile, you're still a much "harder" person on a first impression. I wish I knew the right word for it... cuz that's not quite right even. Stronger definatly isn't the right word, since you hide your strength from most people almost like you're afraid they all want to try to take it away from you. It takes a long time to learn how strong you are... you only show it a little bit at a time. I think that may be it... people aren't really seeing you when they first meet you at all, just the walls you have put up...

I'll think about that one, it's going to take a lot more description to get it out quite right... I will find a way to explain what I'm trying to say here though... lol

"Yes, but is it worth it? See #28"

That's exactly the problem... figuring out your personal balance between the two. So yes, it is worth it, but you have to keep in mind your own value as well while you're at it. Also try to remember who is worth bothering to worry about, and who isn't... and sometimes some people are worth it only due to their influence on those who do matter...

But that's politics, and I know you understand that, so I won't even try to get into more details... lol

"Too bad no one has figured out the password - which is *not* telling me I'd be a 'nice toy'. "

Yea, I know... but there are some people out there who know that isn't the password... They just aren't quite as numerous in the world... you have to look a little longer in order to find them. They get lost in the crowd of assholes sometimes... lol
-the redhead-theredhead on December 28th, 2002 09:27 pm (UTC)


AIM or icq please?

I'll take this down and make a real post in a few minutes, but I knw you will get this *smile*

-the redhead-
Ko'Shall Viperkoshall on December 29th, 2002 04:02 am (UTC)

I wish?

My AIM gateway through Jabber at work still isn't working obviously, so I'm stuck with just MSN at the moment... I can make sure to be on ICQ in the morning though when I get home from work...
-the redhead-theredhead on December 29th, 2002 03:23 pm (UTC)
People are fucking weird. You're right though, the lack of possibility does loosen quite a few people's tongues. It's just something weird that a hell of a lot of people do.

I just don't get this at all... I mean, I know they mean to be nice and all but it's just... dichotomous.

Expectating things from people you're planning on spending your life with is one thing, serious relationships and such, but just meeting someone, all expectations have to get ditched, and you just evaluate what plesant surprises they decided to give you, and if they are worth spending more of your time with or not after that.

But I don't - you know my rules:

The rules are simple:
#1 No expectations
#2 Actions speak louder than words
#3 You can only count on yourself

But is it... unreasonable(?) to expect someone to live up to what they *tell* you? You've tweaked me for my distrust in the past, but not being able to believe what people tell you at all would take it to a whole new level. Tho it has been my modius operandi lately... It's not fun.

We'll get into more description of #23 later... that's some long stories... lol

*poke* *poke* *poke*

Yea, but even though you still keep your sence of humor and ability to smile, you're still a much "harder" person on a first impression.

Am not!! I'm polite and gracious and alla that bullshit. Take an interest in people, ask them about themselves, make small talk, laugh at their jokes, find something we have in common, let them do the talking, yadda...

Stronger definatly isn't the right word, since you hide your strength from most people almost like you're afraid they all want to try to take it away from you. It takes a long time to learn how strong you are... you only show it a little bit at a time.

Because it seems to frighten people off. So I keep it to myself.

I'll think about that one, it's going to take a lot more description to get it out quite right... I will find a way to explain what I'm trying to say here though... lol

*poke*

-the redhead-



Ko'Shall Viperkoshall on January 13th, 2003 04:07 am (UTC)

Ok... As for it being unreasonable to expect someone to do what they say... no, it's not... not in the least... (such as in this case, I told you I would eventually get to answering this, and I have... *grins*)

The problem arises in that There are always going to be two different kinds of people when dealing with this particular topic... those who do, and those who don't. Considering the amount of people in the world, lets say we just split that in half. Those are pretty good odds for finding people who don't do what they say...

What does that mean you do about it? Basically, just be cautious. Give people the benifit of the doubt, but until they prove their track record, don't put your every faith in them... Life is chaos, and so are most of the people in it. You're simply not going to be prepared for everything that everyone throws at you. Do your best at being prepared for everything that you can, and for everything else, try to master damage control... *grins*

Ok, the long stories about number 23 now... lol

Since you're so desperate to know... You already know that I'm polyamorous. I can and do fall in love with more then one person in my life, and as a general rule, I hold those feelings from then on. There are a great many people in my history that I have loved, and still love. I even most definatly qualify as being "in love" with quite a few of them. I probally always will be. I guess that's part of the reason that I say that most of my life has been about unrequited love, cuz I don't get a chance to really give quite a few people an honest try at a relationship due to situations at the time, or even a grand number of other issues, definatly including the fact that many people just don't feel the same way about me.

I don't need or even necessiarly want multiple romantic relationships in my life all at once. I would be quite content and blessed to have one person who feels as positively about me as I do about them. It takes someone particularly special to emotionally pull off keeping several people as their own, and not leave anyone feeling left out. I've only met one person who can do it, and Miranda is living in Seattle now, where I'll very likely never see her again.

Which is ok, I have enough to concentrate on without that... and I don't know that I'm personally capable of keeping more then one person happy anyway. I'm going to do my best to make my one choice person happy, and if I can succeed at that, I'll be a very happy man.

I could go on quite a bit from here into details of why I make my choices the way I do and blah blah blah... but instead I'll just say this. You are most definatly one of those people that I am "in love" with... In spite of that though, I've never considered it to be a real and viable option for one reason. And I hate to admit this, cuz it hurts me quite a bit when I think about it too much... but I don't think you've ever felt the same way.

Anyway, on to the rest of the questions I'm answering...

You're exactly right, you are polite to those you meet... you're polite, and interested in them, and doing your best to put up your walls of polite and interest so that you get to learn as much about them, and they get to learn as little about you as possible. You even went so far when we met as to tell me that "we're not going to talk about that" when I asked you something about you, and then came right back with a question about me... *smiles*

As for your strength frightening people away, probally some, but those who stay, and are drawn to that strength are probally the ones you want around you more anyway... ya know?
-the redhead-theredhead on January 13th, 2003 08:27 pm (UTC)
Basically, just be cautious. Give people the benifit of the doubt, but until they prove their track record, don't put your every faith in them...

You're telling *me* this?? *laugh*

You're simply not going to be prepared for everything that everyone throws at you. Do your best at being prepared for everything that you can, and for everything else, try to master damage control...

You know that I always think things out too far - legacy of being science minded I suppose. Always have to think out at least the first degree of possibilities based on possible interaction of the variables. *snort* Not that I think this is a good thing...

You are most definatly one of those people that I am "in love" with... In spite of that though, I've never considered it to be a real and viable option for one reason. And I hate to admit this, cuz it hurts me quite a bit when I think about it too much... but I don't think you've ever felt the same way.

Thank you *smile* *hugs*

And I dunno, really. There's not been a chance to find out, hmmm? Because it is a chemistry thing as well, yanno? Yes to people being intelligent, witty, smart, compassionate, and such. Brains are important. *nod*

But I think it requires both halves of the equation to really work. For example, Charlie made my teeth sweat - I wanted him that badly. But he also ended up being egocentric, selfish, inconsiderate, and has little room in his personal space for concern about others. He's a bright boy, no doubt, but in more of the idiot savant sort of way. He has little in the way of social skills beyond being charming, really. So it was a mistake, for which I will undoubtedly continue to pay.

Of course, both is probably too much to ask for, but that's the price I pay for being a brainy romantic I suppose.

You're exactly right, you are polite to those you meet... you're polite, and interested in them, and doing your best to put up your walls of polite and interest so that you get to learn as much about them, and they get to learn as little about you as possible. You even went so far when we met as to tell me that "we're not going to talk about that" when I asked you something about you, and then came right back with a question about me... *smiles*

Exactly! That's how it's *supposed* to work. I know 'cause I read it inna book somewheres... *grin*

Seriously tho, it's the Miss Manners version of 'how to meet men' - so why doesn't it work? How is this a bad thing?

You already know that I'm polyamorous.

Yes.

But I was still hoping you would give me the cute definition 'for people with no clue' like you did before *grin* It was just adorable.

I guess that's part of the reason that I say that most of my life has been about unrequited love, cuz I don't get a chance to really give quite a few people an honest try at a relationship due to situations at the time, or even a grand number of other issues, definatly including the fact that many people just don't feel the same way about me.

Dude - that's life for everyone. 'cept maybe those little blonde cheerleaders...

-the redhead-

...occasionally wants to be one of those cute, little, blonde cheerleaders that everyone wants to take care of...





Ko'Shall Viperkoshall on January 14th, 2003 01:48 am (UTC)

LOL

You wanted the cute answer eh? I can't even remember for sure how I put that... and I would look it up in my Jabber history, but Jabber doesn't work tonight... *sigh*

As for the whole Miss Manners stuff... those of us who are more intelligent tend to like to know a bit about others... so putting us off makes us feel... well... put off...

-the redhead-theredhead on January 1st, 2003 09:01 pm (UTC)
Also try to remember who is worth bothering to worry about, and who isn't... and sometimes some people are worth it only due to their influence on those who do matter...

But that's politics, and I know you understand that, so I won't even try to get into more details... lol


Yes. You know I'm *far* too good at it to want to play these games anymore. Luckily not many people arouse my competitive nature in this particular venue.

The real people are far more interesting than their game face anyways.

-the redhead-