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08 July 2003 @ 12:59 pm
Instinct is usually right  
Instinct is a tricky thing. That gut level reaction. The voice in one's head which speaks to you unexpectedly regarding a situation. Often it's the warning that something is not right, somehow. Usually it's right. But if one operates off of instinct, then the details may not be right even if the overall reaction is correct. Hence the... form of the reaction may be wrong or incomplete. Hasty, perhaps. Appearing to be ill considered, reactionary and selfish, even.

It was the right thing to do.

So I believe that my instinct about A*** being unhappy and needing space was correct. That last email was the piece that shoved me off the cliff of low level denial into the abyss of reality. In speaking with V*******, she affirmed that I am not crazy, that there are serious things going on there, and that A*** really isn't in a good place to deal with C**** and I having a relationship right now (tho she may not conciously acknowledge it - she may not be able to do so). Or C**** having a relationship with *anyone* right now. It's not just me. I knew that, but it's nice to hear anyways.

It was the right thing to do.

Regarding it not being me personally, in some ways that makes it harder. Nothing I can just 'fix'. Nothing I can say I will change. Nothing I can *do*.

It was the right thing to do.

I can only imagine what Alex is dealing with - unhappiness, stress, loss, grief, sorrow, feeling isolated and out of control, lonliness, wanting and needing more emotional support, more control, to feel special and loved, watching C**** easily picking up girlfriends, needing to revert to simpler times V** pointed out. Grief takes time - up to 18 months is perfectly reasonable according to V******* who has more personal experience with women losing children than I. Needs space. So my instinct to provide that was correct, even tho the way I went about it was... difficult. But I also have to make allowances for my upset as well.

It was the right thing to do.

No, I'm not always perfect and yes, I get emotional as well. This hurt me, hurt me badly. I invested a lot into this relationship emotionally. I could love this man. Probably do to some degree that I cannot admit to even myself. He is *that* special, we have that strong of a connection. His acknowledgement of the same simultaneously rocked my world and crushed my spirit completely. He said that to me on Saturday and I wanted... to weep tears of blood, it made me so unhappy. Disconsolate. Desolate. Devastated.

It was still the right thing to do.

But I could not in good conscience continue hurting someone that I *wanted* to care about to some degree. I may not know A*** at all, but she would still be a crucial part of the equation. Backing her into a corner was just *not* acceptable. That's just... wrong. Could have been handled better. Bad communication is just that. But I had tried and tried to talk to C**** about it, and it just wasn't working. He wasn't listening to me. Every time A*** was negative in a correspondance the feeling got a little worse. And a little worse. And the voice in my head got louder. And I tried to explain why I was concerned. And it didn't work. Finally it was just too much. I experienced physical pain - the pain in your guts that says do something NOW. Fight or flight. Base level stuff. I spent a good period of time thinking about it at that surreal, accelerated speed which comes with dangerous, frightening, crucial things. Until I was blinded. The decision point came and I made it.

It was the right thing to do.

So I was thrust into a no win situation. *Anything* I did was going to hurt someone, and they were all going to hurt me. Even continuing and pretending that everything was 'okay' would. So do I hurt C**** or A***? Make myself and C**** happier in the short term, moving towards an inevitable crash? Injuring an innocent party in the process? Or do I hurt C****? At once a mind-bogglingly difficult and yet easy decision. A*** won. The right thing won. That load of noble, honorable hooey that I HATE in myself sometimes. Self-sacrificing bullshit. I HAD NO CHOICE in the end.

It was still the right thing to do.

So C**** will blame it on my insecurities. Inability to trust. Lack of faith. I'm the bad guy. He said all it needed was time, but I don't think that's so. Even if they cannot see it right now. Merely backing ioff for us would be incredibly difficult. It's *that* intense. We tried, and slipped back into the familiar ways within a matter of days. I hope, I wish, I dream that we can do this again. Later, when the time is better. When it won't make people nervous and concerned. When it isn't 'wrangled'. I know the feelings will always be there...

It was still the right thing to do.

-the redhead-
-the redhead-theredhead on July 8th, 2003 05:06 pm (UTC)

I really *do* appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings with me and being so honest - it is a very important thing, but not always an easy one.

In the communication that I've had with you and the concerns you have raised I have gotten the very strong impression that you do not think C********** having an additional relationship, especially one involving long distances, is a good idea (for whatever reason(s). The reasons themselves do not matter - they are what they are. No judgment of them here.). That perhaps this made you uneasy, worried, and maybe a bit unhappy. I'm not going to quote specific communications here (that smacks far to much of the covering of my ass I have to do with the idiots all day at work... *snort*), but will do so if you wish. When the overwhelming response to a relationship relates to disquiet and the negative issues, this is not a good thing. Not acceptable to me at all. Not meaning unacceptable from *your* outlook or what you are feeling, but from the standpoint that I will not continue in the face of such apprehension. I will not be that kind of person. I *cannot* be that kind of person, one who doesn't have a concern beyond the end of her own nose. Who has no view of the ramifications of their actions and how they can/will affect others. That person is my mother, and I never want to be her. Not that I don't love her dearly and she certainly was a good Mom, but I've been on the wrong end of that stick too many times.

My impression is that you want time and space that does not involve the taxing effort of dealing with additional people in the mix. Time to relax and recoup without additional worries or obligations. To simply deal with life and get back to a happier place. To straighten things out and make things better. Which are all more than reasonable things. *nod* It's what we all need (and want!) at many points in life. I sure wouldn't mind a day or two where I just didn't have to worry about anything *smile*

Over the extended weekend I was between a very big rock and a very hard place. *Anything* I did was guaranteed to make someone unhappy as far as I could tell. It was a no win situation at that point. I said and did what I did because it was the right thing to do in 'my world'. In a situation where one is causing another grief of one sort or another you simply stop. Yes, there are certainly many exceptions to that rule, but this is supposed to be something positive. You weren't comfortable or happy with the situation and the possibilities therein, as best I understood. Yes, there are always concerns in any interaction beyond ordering a Coke at Mickey D's (coffee, however, has it's hazards...). Yes, they should be voiced and examined and addressed that is *crucial*. But you never once mentioned that this might have an upside of any sort for anyone involved.

It all came down to that if you were unhappy then this was something I should not be doing. Doesn't matter what I would like when it got down to that.

I had tried to let C********** know that I was worried about this. Several times. It didn’t work very well. Bad communication, I think. Maybe I said it wrong, maybe it didn't fit in with what he knew, whatever. Given the data *I* had, however, I didn’t see much of a choice. Funny in a way, a large part of our conversations were about you and what you were comfortable with and such. Actually, not so funny as far as I'm concerned. You and the kids are the most important things in his life. I have an inkling as to how unhappy you were with the L***** thing. And then there was the O******* fiasco *sigh* So I worked hard (perhaps too hard) and not being her. I tend to be a person who is concerned with others anyway, so it was easy to over analyze my actions, to try to make them perfect. When you said you felt wrangled about my last visit, that was... Well, one tries to stop doing things before other people really get hurt.

I completely respect the relationship that you and C********** have. I have no wish to cause harm, and am mortified that I did so even while trying to do the right, honorable thing.

If I have misunderstood your concerns I apologize.

I wish you the very best.

Musings from the CZ unitcz_unit on July 9th, 2003 09:17 pm (UTC)
For there is hope of a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that the tender branch thereof will not cease.

Though the root thereof wax old in the earth, and the stock thereof die in the ground; Yet through the scent of water it will bud, and bring forth boughs like a plant.

14 Job: