-the redhead- (theredhead) wrote,
-the redhead-
theredhead

Instinct is usually right

Instinct is a tricky thing. That gut level reaction. The voice in one's head which speaks to you unexpectedly regarding a situation. Often it's the warning that something is not right, somehow. Usually it's right. But if one operates off of instinct, then the details may not be right even if the overall reaction is correct. Hence the... form of the reaction may be wrong or incomplete. Hasty, perhaps. Appearing to be ill considered, reactionary and selfish, even.

It was the right thing to do.

So I believe that my instinct about A*** being unhappy and needing space was correct. That last email was the piece that shoved me off the cliff of low level denial into the abyss of reality. In speaking with V*******, she affirmed that I am not crazy, that there are serious things going on there, and that A*** really isn't in a good place to deal with C**** and I having a relationship right now (tho she may not conciously acknowledge it - she may not be able to do so). Or C**** having a relationship with *anyone* right now. It's not just me. I knew that, but it's nice to hear anyways.

It was the right thing to do.

Regarding it not being me personally, in some ways that makes it harder. Nothing I can just 'fix'. Nothing I can say I will change. Nothing I can *do*.

It was the right thing to do.

I can only imagine what Alex is dealing with - unhappiness, stress, loss, grief, sorrow, feeling isolated and out of control, lonliness, wanting and needing more emotional support, more control, to feel special and loved, watching C**** easily picking up girlfriends, needing to revert to simpler times V** pointed out. Grief takes time - up to 18 months is perfectly reasonable according to V******* who has more personal experience with women losing children than I. Needs space. So my instinct to provide that was correct, even tho the way I went about it was... difficult. But I also have to make allowances for my upset as well.

It was the right thing to do.

No, I'm not always perfect and yes, I get emotional as well. This hurt me, hurt me badly. I invested a lot into this relationship emotionally. I could love this man. Probably do to some degree that I cannot admit to even myself. He is *that* special, we have that strong of a connection. His acknowledgement of the same simultaneously rocked my world and crushed my spirit completely. He said that to me on Saturday and I wanted... to weep tears of blood, it made me so unhappy. Disconsolate. Desolate. Devastated.

It was still the right thing to do.

But I could not in good conscience continue hurting someone that I *wanted* to care about to some degree. I may not know A*** at all, but she would still be a crucial part of the equation. Backing her into a corner was just *not* acceptable. That's just... wrong. Could have been handled better. Bad communication is just that. But I had tried and tried to talk to C**** about it, and it just wasn't working. He wasn't listening to me. Every time A*** was negative in a correspondance the feeling got a little worse. And a little worse. And the voice in my head got louder. And I tried to explain why I was concerned. And it didn't work. Finally it was just too much. I experienced physical pain - the pain in your guts that says do something NOW. Fight or flight. Base level stuff. I spent a good period of time thinking about it at that surreal, accelerated speed which comes with dangerous, frightening, crucial things. Until I was blinded. The decision point came and I made it.

It was the right thing to do.

So I was thrust into a no win situation. *Anything* I did was going to hurt someone, and they were all going to hurt me. Even continuing and pretending that everything was 'okay' would. So do I hurt C**** or A***? Make myself and C**** happier in the short term, moving towards an inevitable crash? Injuring an innocent party in the process? Or do I hurt C****? At once a mind-bogglingly difficult and yet easy decision. A*** won. The right thing won. That load of noble, honorable hooey that I HATE in myself sometimes. Self-sacrificing bullshit. I HAD NO CHOICE in the end.

It was still the right thing to do.

So C**** will blame it on my insecurities. Inability to trust. Lack of faith. I'm the bad guy. He said all it needed was time, but I don't think that's so. Even if they cannot see it right now. Merely backing ioff for us would be incredibly difficult. It's *that* intense. We tried, and slipped back into the familiar ways within a matter of days. I hope, I wish, I dream that we can do this again. Later, when the time is better. When it won't make people nervous and concerned. When it isn't 'wrangled'. I know the feelings will always be there...

It was still the right thing to do.

-the redhead-
Tags: chris
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