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04 August 2003 @ 11:49 am
More thoughts from the weekend  
I made the effort to double check some of my perceptions this weekend. I really just need to not worry about this whole thing at all, but in some ways it is very important to me, if also frustrating and painful. Fortunately I have access to a professional who certainly understands alternative relationship structures, and deals with such on a regular basis. Someone who's opinions in this area are backed by a great deal of experience and whom I can trust to keep such conversations confidential. I think they were surprised when I gave them the documentation before I explained anything, but I really wanted to proceed from a neutral basis. The right approach, I think.

Words were read, opinions rendered. Basically I'm not off base to be worried about what the others think and feel and how they are being affected, and while it may not have been handled in the best manner, I *did* do the right thing. Yes, they were saying 'no' – the message was very clear to the person I had consulted. I had to laugh at **** - at one point she looked up and said 'oh look, it's right here. "I'm not going to dictate, but Ireallyjustwantyoutobefriends"'. *giggle* Based on the data it really is... at the very least very uncomfortable for some involved, and is better not to go there.

The conversation wandered in several directions from there.

They pointed out that I might be a little too concerned, a little too sensitive. We briefly discussed the possibility of just ignoring the negativity of the other completely instead of acknowledging it, proceeding with what I / we would like, and letting the other simply settle into and become comfortable with the situation on their own. They would just have to deal with it. Sort of like with young things – don't make a big deal about things (thunder, car rides, vacuum, whatever), just do what you are going to do and don't reinforce the fearful or negative behavior / responses (gotta love real dog people – they get it *smile*). Yes but... people aren't puppies. And a relationship of equals is far different than that with a pet. It's a rare situation where you tell a loved one to get over it and just cope or ignore them in such a situation. I don't need to be involved in correcting their issues and problems. ***** agreed. But I do need to not be so concerned and solicitous and bloody worried about it either. Basically, it's not my problem and there's nothing I can do to fix it. They will work it out or they won't, and that's that.

It was pointed out that my response seems to be as much a protective mechanism as concern for the other. Yeah, it's true *nod* The mask is a good thing and a bad thing. The cave has it's up sides and down sides as well. We talked about that a bit - I really don't think there's anything wrong with protecting myself from harm and neither does *****. In fact, she said I should be 'more selfish'. Heh. We didn't really go into that and so I'm not entirely sure what she meant. I know that it doesn't work very well when I try to be more selfish – that just gets me even more alone time or in trouble or *bapped* or whatever... Will have to think about this more.

Life isn't fair. A base truism, but we wandered around that topic for awhile as well. Coupled with life is what you make of it. We never did decide if one can really *make* life fair.

Communication styles were also mentioned. Generally I communicate very well (tho I can be too subtle at times), and other times surprisingly poorly. Part of that has to do with my expectations of other's ability to communicate. I expect them to be able to talk on my level, and that is far from universally true. Yes, if I think someone doesn't 'get' what I am saying I will try again. And again. Bad habit. While sometimes it's really important for people to understand, mostly that effort is viewed as merely annoying. So I will work on not repeating myself – I guess if others think that what I say is worth hearing they will listen the first time. Maybe ask questions if they need to. *shrug* ***** understood my efforts to communicate with the other, and agreed that I have to take it down to the very basest level, the easiest level (if I even wanted to bother with all of this in the first place. Frankly, ***** wondered why I bother. But that was not a set of justifications that I wanted to go into further than 'because it's important to me). Gotta communicate at their level, not mine. No questions, nothing hard, nothing that requires thought or that could be in anyway confusing. Nothing threatening. Pretty much just offer an opening by saying 'how 'bout that summer heat?' sort of thing. Chitchat. So yes, my other attempts at communication were failures. Abysmal, in some ways I guess. But, the flip side is sometimes trying to talk to people just doesn't do any good, and it's not necessarily because I've cocked it up – sometimes the other party just doesn't want to do so, for whatever reason. Can't do much more than I have really, but I tried again. We shall see what happens.

So in the end sometimes people's lives just aren't what they think they are or want them to be. We all are confronted on a daily basis by the difference between desire and reality *shrug* It's a part of life. The trick is not to let other people get caught up in that when they don't know any better. And not get caught in it yourself. Reality is what it is. People need to get their lives in order before they invite others in, and there needs to be actual *room* there for others, not just the wish for room. This applies to every sort of relationship, and I am as guilty as others sometimes. Perhaps I just need to be more cognizant of what other people really can provide, and set my expectations accordingly. Or lower. Or something. And I need to reassess what there is room in my life for as well. So there's nothing I can do about it other than wait and see if there is anything left if the situation ever changes. I need to get over my desire to fix all the problems of the world and just let things be. Just because I want something sure as hell doesn't mean I'm going to even get close to it. I knew that, as I rarely do get the things I want, but **** provided a good reminder. And in the end, I just cannot trample around without regard for others. Some days I wish I could, tho...

-the redhead-
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Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.melanie on August 4th, 2003 11:16 am (UTC)
::hugs::

i know there's not one single easy part of this for you.
-the redhead-theredhead on August 8th, 2003 07:34 pm (UTC)
Thanks *smile*

-the redhead-
JTlearnteach on August 4th, 2003 09:10 pm (UTC)
Geometric progression
...and you've got two factors working against you. Relationships increase in difficulty when there's not enough communication, right? And what happens when you're far apart? It's hard to communcicate, so there's less of it. And what happens when it's poly? Every person adds a new node to the vertice relationship. If 2 people have to communciate 10 hours a week, then 3 would need 20 each, and four 30, and 5 40 EACH! to maintain it.

Well, the math's not perfect, but there is a truth within it. I'm sorry it's such a pain.

Sometime again, Rustman from the trip.