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14 August 2003 @ 11:02 pm
A feeling  
I don't want to feel too much love, too much emotion – because the rules on what I can and cannot expect keep changing, and the only way I can deal with the disappointment is to not expect anything. In my heart I am always standing by the door with my bag in hand; I can never let myself count on the time I have in anyone's life. I know that I will always be an extra of some sort, and cannot depend on anyone but myself.

-the redhead-
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Counterfeit Reality: abstract fallicytangibleatrophy on August 15th, 2003 12:26 am (UTC)
i find it very disconcerting that you seem to lack the confidence in the fact that real love does indeed exist, or at least your willingness to surrender to it. if your not willing to allow yourself to be hurt by it, how will you ever be willingly able to allow it to caress your soul? even if it has yet to come looking for you, it almost sounds like you might be looking too hard for it. perhaps you should stop looking, & let it find you? just a thought...
-the redhead-theredhead on August 15th, 2003 07:09 am (UTC)
Last time it did find me and was totally unexpected. Still got spanked...

Where do you draw the line at letting it hurt you? And why should I allow myself to be hurt if there is no... guarantee of a payoff? Yes, yes, I know there are never any guarantees in life *nod* Hell, I've been dead - everything else is (supposedly) icing. But isn't it realistic to not want to be hurt every time?

-the redhead-
Counterfeit Reality: believetangibleatrophy on August 16th, 2003 12:45 am (UTC)
a visceral life vs. an esoteric one
of course its realistic to never want to get hurt. unfortunately; its not the farily tale we all grew up hearing & buying into. such is life, & it can be a very rude awakening. & if its pain you seek, i have enough for a great number of people. things you can't even phathom, & i shall refrain from going on about said pain here, but if you want to know how deep my pain goes... deeper than bones.

as far as the trust issue is concerned; some men you can trust, but which ones you never know. & you won't know until push comes to shove. he'll be the one still standing beside you!

"Basically, I cannot do anything right as far as I can tell."

who has the right to judge you in such a context as to make you feel guilty about their inhibitions? because to me... thats exactly what this line screams at me. is it that you are made to put up with beatings like this in order to sustain a relationship of what sounds very much like "control?" i could be way off base with this aspect, but as far as i'm concerned... when its love, he should be made to feel, & all too willing to tell you how you can stop his heart, & start it all over again with a single glance. simple as that, & yet so extremely rare. even though i myself had such a relationship of this level of intensity, now lost due to circumstances beyond my control; this kind of spark, this connection does indeed still exist. you just have to be willing to risk the hurt for the ultimate reward... true & unconditional love. if its unrequieted, then you will only wind up getting hurt. if its not of the same level of intensity that you feel for him being reflected right back at you in his eyes, then whats the point? i guess i'm just trying to say, that he should be able to caress you soul, without a single word or touch in any form. thats what i had... & thats what held me so close in those moments between time.

please don't consign your hearts rotation to a liquidated state! you don't want to become hardened, as some of us have. you just can't escape the depths of every memory. so instead... have faith.
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.melanie on August 15th, 2003 04:55 am (UTC)
Le Sigh :(
do i need to start quoting the lyrics to "The Rose" at you?

there is no reward without risk. and nothing is ever static, whether we want it to be or not. this works to our advantage when it's misery that is in flux, but i suppose the universe keeps balance by also applying that rule to joy.

but..."the rules keep changing". that troubles me. from relationship to relationship, or within a given relationship? arbitrarily, or due to regular old human growth and change?

"I don't want to feel too much love, too much emotion – because the rules on what I can and cannot expect keep changing, and the only way I can deal with the disappointment is to not expect anything. "

yeah, that would cut down on disappointment, but...it's also resigning oneself to mediocrity. emotional anesthesia. of course, no matter what we do there are tradeoffs. it might be worth it to you, to sacrifice the high peaks in order to avoid the deep valleys.
-the redhead-theredhead on August 15th, 2003 05:14 am (UTC)
Re: Le Sigh :(
So as a matter of course, do you put up with the beatings to get an occasional hug or do you just want the beatings to stop?

-the redhead-
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.melanie on August 15th, 2003 05:19 am (UTC)
Re: Le Sigh :(
that would be a personal decision, depending on whether or not the hugs feel good enough to make the beatings seem not-so-bad. which feeling plunges to the depths the most? and consider, if you're not allowing yourself to feel the hugs deeply enough because of your fear, how can they *ever* feel good enough to lessen the trauma of the beatings?

god, it's too early for metaphors like this.

~alt, tripping and stumbling and going *splat*
-the redhead-theredhead on August 15th, 2003 07:20 am (UTC)
Re: Le Sigh :(
When do you take the chance? What assurances do you look for that the good *will* outweigh the hurt? What do you do about being a bad judge of character or situations or intent?

Fear is a protective mechanism.

-the redhead-
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.melanie on August 15th, 2003 07:41 am (UTC)
Re: Le Sigh :(
well, you see, the thing is that i'm an optimist by nature. i always forge ahead and hope for the best. and, for me, after time has past and wounds have healed, the memory of the good feelings is what i keep with me more than the memories of the pain. usually, anyway.

but, again, i'm an optimist by nature. this is very much a personal thing, a personal weighing of options, of pros and cons.
-the redhead-theredhead on August 15th, 2003 08:59 am (UTC)
Re: Le Sigh :(
*nod* I used to be an optimist and I *do* look for the good in people and situations. And give the benefit of the doubt and try to ignore the bad things. But perhaps I need to reassess that becuase it's not working...

-the redhead-
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.melanie on August 15th, 2003 09:07 am (UTC)
Re: Le Sigh :(
could it be, perhaps, that you just need more than what you currently have? that it's not so much what you have that's causing pain, but the fact that it's not enough?

or am i full of sh*t?
-the redhead-theredhead on August 15th, 2003 10:33 am (UTC)
Re: Le Sigh :(
well, 'nothing' is certainly about the limit of not having enough...

But it's the trying, the paying close attention, me giving and trying to trust, letting people in, me thinking that I've crossing all my T's and dotting all my I's and still getting *bapped!* that causes the pain. Basically, I cannot do anything right as far as I can tell.

Damned if I do and damned if I don't, in some cases.

-the redhead-
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.melanie on August 15th, 2003 10:36 am (UTC)
Re: Le Sigh :(
that's pretty tough.

are you always getting bapped, or could it be that sometimes you're getting redirected but it *feels* like a bap?
-the redhead-theredhead on August 15th, 2003 11:47 am (UTC)
Re: Le Sigh :(
Exactly what are you thinking here? Please explain further - feel free to use examples if you wish. What are you referencing with 'redirected'??

What *I'm* getting is that somehow you think I'm being unreasonable or some such.

-the redhead-
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.melanie on August 15th, 2003 12:44 pm (UTC)
Re: Le Sigh :(
i don't have any examples to cite, because i really don't know what's going on other than that there is stress aplenty. i was thinking of things that have happened over the years in my own relationships, where my gestures were being redirected (i.e., i was asked to make changes to the gestures to make others more comfortable) which ended up feeling like a rebuff to me, and making me feel that i couldn't help but withdraw altogether.

i can't imagine myself telling someone as bright and thoughtful as yourself that you're simply being "unreasonable". i feel - and a large part of it is *hopefulness*, i grant, but i feel that there has been a misunderstanding somewhere.
-the redhead-theredhead on August 16th, 2003 05:25 am (UTC)
Re: Le Sigh :(
You're right, I've been silly lately.

Thanks for stopping by.

I hope that the moving thing is going well, I know how difficult it can be.

-the redhead-
ex_bandage857 on August 15th, 2003 06:28 am (UTC)
Re: Le Sigh :(
You do a constant cost / benefit analysis and keep your hand on the door..
-the redhead-theredhead on August 15th, 2003 07:06 am (UTC)
Re: Le Sigh :(

But doesn't seem like an awful lot of effort? Doesn't it seem like you can never really trust? Where do you draw the line?


-the redhead-
vewvew on August 15th, 2003 04:41 pm (UTC)
I have several thoughts on this topic-- ( big surprize)

Folk wisdom has some things to say..

If you always think, what you always thought
you will always get, what you always got.

That thought made me think about my life in a totally new and different way. My divorce was very harsh and bloody in so many ways. I thought it was all my fault-- in reality not all of it was. So I have learned so much in the years that have followed.

I totally believe in love and yes I have been bapped really well. But I take some time and talk to my friends gotten over the hurt and learned what ever I needed to learn and gone on....

If you are willing to accept a mediocre love life then keep the attitude... but on the other hand look inward and see what makes you tick...and be open to the possibility

I know what I want, what I am willing to accept and you know if I never have another partner then oh well. I am not willing to settle for something that is not right. Now if it is just sex and hugs I know where I can find that.... and at times that is fine.

After one has been hurt, taking some time to reflect and be with people who love you is important.

Do not give up on love and sharing. I have had it before and that is something I would never want to give up.

The last thing is : It does not matter if you think you will win or loose. You are correct...

call me and we can chat anytime...2 am is best

Lots of hugs