-the redhead- (theredhead) wrote,
-the redhead-

Better now - somewhat

Things are somewhat better now that I've cried myself to sleep and had a nap. More like passing out, really. Not everything is back in the shattered remains of their box, but neither are they taking up the whole of my consciousness. The sights, the sounds, the memories hang at the periphery of my active thoughts and can be ignored if I try hard enough.

Now the trick is to rebalance things that are swinging wildly and randomly. To get them back to a more or less stable state, even if not at their normal levels. Blood sugar - rather badly affected by going into shock. Brain chemistry - completely out of whack. Will take a few days to settle in. Emotions - need to build some new boxes. Will be very raw for a few days - have to pay attention and control to not overreact to anything for a while. Body - painful, rigid, I can still feel the pain of the old injuries flaring, aching. Need to either remember to breath or give that control back to the autonomic system and trust that it will work now.

Every time (blessedly not often at all - last time was before I went off to Yale, so a good 6 or so years ago) I relive this I remember more, get more details. Seems kinda backwards in a way, memories gettting more sharp instead of time wearing the worst edges away. This time I remember being trampled as well. The dull thuds and crushing pain of the horse dancing on the ragdoll, unable to move, unable to escape. To accompany the indescribable sensation of the kick. Of having my brain case opened forcibly. There are not words sufficient to describe those sounds and sensations.

The worst parts are always the same. The things that haunt me.

The panicked, pained screams of a terrified little girl who was being killed. The raw shrieks torn from her very soul. My soul. My screams.

The stench of blood. The sickly sweet metallic smell. Pervasive. Overwhelming. A pungent npote underlying every moment for days.

The other things are there as well. All to be processed and returned to their box.

-the redhead-
Tags: musings
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